Lyrics to Go (Part 2)

Guess who's back?

Back again?

Basketball's back! Tell a friend! (Oh, Eminem...how you stay relevant is beyond me.)

After a long hiatus, spelled only by a brief tourney in Turkey's capital city, true hoops has returned. The most anticipated season of hoops is upon us, and as my man J-Till said, I don't even need to tell you why. (It has to do with a certain triumvirate in South Beach.)

I started this ode to round ball in Part 1, so definitely check my lyrics there before settling here. This time, I'm gonna go in order, from least to beast, to showcase which squads I think have the stones to bring the noise this season. Remember the rules....one team, one song.

Let's get it!

15. Minnesota Timberwolves - A Tribe Called Quest's "Description of a Fool"
Let's recap David Kahn's summer. He traded an established 20-10 guy (only three existed last year) to Utah for a lottery protected first-round pick, failed to sign Rubio again, quickly signed retreads like Luke Ridnour to make cap minimum, and gave Nicola Pekovic 15 million (who?) and Darko Milicic 20 million. Yes, that Darko.

To recap, Kahn turned KG into a lottery protected first round pick. Le sigh.

14. Sacramento Kings - Ne-Yo's "Can't Help But Wait"

Athletic trendy bigs. A guy named Jeter. Jewish Jordan redux. A dash of chaotic excellence (Cousins). Paul Westphal. There's enough upside potential on this team to make Jay Bilas blush.

Also, let's make a note here, lest we forget: 20-5-5. Oscar. Jordan. Lebron. Evans. Hmmm.

13. Memphis Grizzlies - A Tribe Called Quest's "Luck of Lucien"

You know what's funny? The 35 Grizzlies fans thinking that they're going to get Zach Randolph to start the season in shape. You grassroots fans are so sweet.

Don't you see? The walrus is playing his way into a contract. He's trying to get old man Heisley to offer him a sweet deal. Then, he'll spend the next five years languishing and draining your salary cap. Don't fall for it. Goad some sucker team into taking him on for a #1 pick. Get an agile big man and run the floor for baskets.

Trust me, I've lived with this man. I know how he eats. Take the value and run, run...RUN.

Oh wait, you have Chris Wallace as your GM? (#SCREWED.)

12. New Orleans Hornets - Estelle's "American Boy"

Chris Paul (to travel agent): "Hello? Yes, please take me to New York...wait, I'd like to see L.A. Perhaps we can layover in Orlando for a bit...scratch that, I hear Houston's got good BBQ...can we arrange for that NYC flight to take off from New Jers---"

"Wait, hello? Hello? HELLO?"

11. Golden State Warriors - Metro Station's "Seventeen Forever"

This song driven by reckless ambition goes to the team that doesn't know how to quit. Or defend. Or rebound. Or cease to amaze me.

Monta Ellis is out to prove he's worth a big payday. Steph Curry's out to prove this summer's no fluke. David Lee's out to prove he's worth the cash cow of Randolph/Azibuike/Turiaf. Keith Sweat Smart's out to prove he's a more cerebral Don Nelson. I'm out to prove that I listen to non-black music. Success.

10. Los Angeles Clippers - Beastie Boys' "Intergalactic"

As proven by last night's 20-10 performance, Blake Griffin's not your average rookie. He's bringing a welcomed energy to this City of Angels' stepchild squad, even reinvigorating guys like Baron to embrace their own form of reckless abandonment. Blake plays like a guy who's not as good as he is, like Kevin Willis without the look of estranged fear.

As he goes, so do his Clippers. Yes, Baron...he's taken your crown already. You're not even on the Clipper ESPN mag cover. Ouch.

9. Denver Nuggets - D.A. T.R.U.T.H. ft. Ambassador "Star Struck"

I can't wait for La-La to end up on Basketball Wives in 2012. Because that's where she's headed, making all these demands out of her man. Haven't you learned from Shaunie? It's going to crash and burn. And the New York Post will have it boxed off on Page 6.

(Side Note: I really don't think getting Melo makes the Knicks a playoff contender. Rooting for the Knicks is like cheering for the fat girl in every movie except Shallow Hal. There's always that scene where said protagonist runs to the school dance, wearing her mom's debutante dress, and the entire school gasps in awe. If that's all I get out of the Melo trade, so be it.)

I just want people to notice me.

8. Houston Rockets - Israel and New Breed's "I Know Who I Am"

With Pritchard given an unceremonious exit from the team he gave new life (Portland), the NBA's new wunderkind is a fast-talking MIT grad admirably dubbed "Dork Elvis." Daryl Morey has shown some smooth moves in forming a competitive team with the league's rubbish. Think Von Wafer. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Albeit, this team is a congealed one. Yao's got that darned foot, Aaron Brooks isn't paid, and Kevin Martin can't rebound (which pisses off the three of us who play fantasy hoops). But, somehow, they make noise. The misfits pushed Kobe and Co. to the brink before getting dumped at heartbreak hotel by a revisionist version of Shannon Brown. With all the hubbub of Melo, Paul and the sexual gaze of Donald Sterling in the distance, why not Houston as your #8 seed?

7. Portland Trailblazers - A Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario"

Every year, I think about picking the Rip City riders as my dark horse...until I realize that Nate McMillan is their coach. Really? Your team can play any style of basketball. Every roster player can ball, so much so that your GM traded a guy with untapped potential for a first-round lottery pick. Heck, you have players other teams would KILL to have hidden overseas. But...you still...can't win. Hmm. Is it time to get Tony Dungy John Calipari on the line?

I'm starting to smell the Sam Bowie after birth.

(If you're the GM here, why not trade Rudy/Batum/Prysbilla/#1 pick to a team (think, Denver) and grab yourself a Grade A talent like a Carmelo? Or, at least offer that to NO for Paul? You don't they'd take that in a heartbeat and move to Vegas? Eff this waiting around crap.)

6. San Antonio Spurs - All American Rejects' "The Wind Blows"

"I know there are times you are impossible; that I should sign a waiver."

There aren't words that can better express the '10-'11 Spurs. I don't know if Timmy's got more magic in that ole top hat. Who knows what Pop's gonna get from Tiago Splitter, the rage of Eastern Europe that's alluded the NBA for way longer than seems pertinent. Parker's flirting with bigger cities for his star attraction, and Manu's got more international mileage than we realize.

But as the song continues on, "I'll pass by but go slow", you can't EVER count out the Spurs. The Spurs are like an ex-girlfriend...just when you think she's completely out of your life, she ends up at a New Year's Eve party, or in your Facebook picture, or at Ruby Tuesdays...you get it.

5. Phoenix Suns - Chris Brown's "Run It"

I'm not going to make that "11 small forwards" joke everyone's been making, if only because it reminds me of the year we (Knicks) had 7 SF's and 5 PG's ('06). I am going to talk above Taylor Griffin's receding hairline. I am going to talk about Jared Dudley's infatuation with Twitter. I am going to talk about the Suns' medical staff and how they've been able to extend Nash's career with Eastern medicine and medical marijuana. I am going to talk about the P90X machine probably stashed away in Nash's foot locker.

The league knows the Suns' formula for success: Run it. Too bad they've never found a way to stop it.

4. Utah Jazz - Fabolous "Make Me Better" (Remix)

This remix goes out to my dude, Deron Williams, who's three-point rating in NBA 2K9 is so bananas that you can play between the three point lines all game and get 40. We know you can carry this team on your back to the postseason. We know you've got the goods. We know you pronounce your name like Der-on, not De-RON.

But, when an idiot like Kahn offers your GM a can't miss trade, don't think we're doing this because we don't think you're good enough. We do. But if a guy leaves his queen in the middle of the chess board, you've got to take 'em with that bishop (#1 lottery pick).

(When's Jerry Sloan going to win a Coach of the Year trophy? That award has no credibility.)

3. Dallas Mavericks - Roy Jones Jr's "Y'all Musta Forgot"

Do you remember who the #2 seed was last year? The team that gutted the Wizards' roster for prime talent, and sent their overpaid center packing this summer? The team who's owner is a reality TV icon and entertainment mogul? The German tourist that made a guest appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon?

Well, Dallas is and are. Jason Kidd's been working on his spot-up game. Jason Terry's still putting up 20 off the pine. And Dirk, well...he's pretty good. Perennial All-Star good. Hall Of Fame good.

2. Oklahoma City Thunder - Black Eyed Peas' "Boom Boom Pow"

Just because everyone's jumping on the Kevin Durant bandwagon doesn't mean he's overrated. The kid controlled the FIBA tourney to the point where we sat around in mid-September and wondered why we were worried about losing the stepchild tourney in the first place. Kevin put down 7 treys in the close out game. Seven.

OKC is gonna take the Northwest easy. KD alone totally outclasses that region. The fight, therein, lies with the Lake Show. As long as Russell Westbrook plays with his head and not his ego (and takes it to Fisher/Blake every time he sees them) and Jeff Green GETS PAID (see the recurring theme?), we could see these guys hosting Game 3 at the "House That Chris Paul Built, But Didn't Put a Down Payment On So It Got Repossessed" this summer.

And as far as Durant taking the scoring title? DONE.

1. Los Angeles Lakers - Jamie Foxx's "Winner"

A Lakers fan would look at Kobe's 24 rebounds in Game 7 and assert dominance. A Lakers hater would point to the 6-for-24 night and claim Pau should've been named MVP. A Clippers fan would like you to offer you a free "Pooh Richardson" T-shirt. (Alas, it sucks to be owned by a man who gropes Asian women and gets sued by HUD for discriminatory practices.)

Still, here we are, starting at Kobe's chipmunk scowl as he prepares to three-peat. Wait, what? This L.A. team has to be the weakest team to three-peat since the Mikan group. But until we can find a team to dethrone these warriors, LA remains my top seed. Even with Bynum's bum leg.

We out. Lemme know how you feel in the comments.

-MB

Celtics Pride?

I realized something last night: I like the Lakers team. I hate Lakers fans.

You've met them before. They appear in your congregations and water coolers, looking like fans of the home team before going rogue. They open up sports converations with blaspheme like "Kobe's the best player of all time." They rock fedoras and Ed Hardy shirts (at least that's what they wear in my nightmares) , and have a smug sense of entitlement that we dually despise and crave.

These are Lakers fans.

They laugh at your team's ineptitude. They make you answer "Kobe as defender" questions, even though that idea is so 2005. They pour gin and juice on everything when Kobe hits a gamewinner because they can afford it. They think they are the coolest fans in the world. And they tell the rest of the NBA to stay thirsty, my friends.

So...for everything that is holy and right about the NBA, I'm rooting for the Celtics. The green and gold know the feeling of sucking for an entire decade (90s). Los Angeles has only been under .500 three times since the 1974-75 season. Plus, I think this Wesley Snipes-level black Boston team totally subverts the archaic Celtics imagery of the 1980s.

Yes, I know...I'm a Knicks fan. But don't get mad at me yet. I've got my reasons.
1. Nate Robinson
As Knicks fans, we LOVE to count the amount of guys that make it to the NBA Finals...without the Knicks. Since the Ewing-era, we've had suckers like Nazi Mohammed and Trevor Ariza touch the ugly gold trophy without us. (We also had a penchant for grabbing garbage players off winning teams. I'm looking at YOU, Howard Eisley.) Nate, welcome to the wish list.

Nate's only been the only reason to watch Knicks games over the past five years as Isiah wrecked the salary cap (Jerome James, et al). He gave us street cred at All-Star weekend (even though Iggy deserved to win). He, along with Jamal Crawford, laughed at the concept of shot selection. Seeing him in a Celtics uniform makes me feel like Jennifer Aniston as she watches Brad Pitt make out with Angelina Jolie Voight on Access Hollywood, only now she's two years removed. You know, in an "at least he's happy now" moment.

(You know what sucks? If Jen, Brad, and Angelina were black, this would've been par for the course. Heck, the whole thing sounded like a director's cut episode of Girlfriends. Damn it all.)
2. The Celtics and Knicks aren't real "rivals".
People seem to think that the Celtics/Knicks have a rivalry akin to that of Yankees/Sawx or Jets/Pats...but that's not true. There hasn't been a time in NBA history where both teams were great at the same time. When Russell reigned, the Knicks were meandering through the East. The fusion of Clyde and Black Jesus was drowned out by the NBA/ABA showdown. Bernie King was a role player to the Bird protagonist. And we watched idly by as the rejuvenation machine powered the 2008 model to a championship.

Yeah, I don't love the Celtics. I envy their success. But at least they've never made me bleed my own blood before. I have Michael and Reggie to thank for that.

3. The death and resurrection of Rajon Rondo.
Remember when the Pittsburgh/Seattle Super Bowl when the Steelers won even though Ben Roethlisberger only completed nine passes? I do. That's kinda how the last C's/Lake Show Finals played out. Rajon Rondo played like garbage, Kobe defended him by crouching down in the paint...and the C's won anyway. Unfortunately, Rondo caught the "in spite of" disease from Tony Parker (see: '03 Finals) and was almost traded off before the 2008 Draft.

No longer. Rondo's a beast. He powers this new-look Celtics machine, and is totally responsible for this team's desire to snag Ring #2. Another W would vindicate his standing in the eyes of everyone who hasn't watched a lick of hoops all season. (Just so you know...he's here for good.)
So you see, I have to root for the C's this time. History (and annoying Laker fans) have forced my hand. Let's just hope the Celtics can throttle the Lakers quickly, because I have a feeling this Cinderella carriage is about to turn back into a pumpkin.

Enjoy the best Finals in recent memory, people.

Talentless Actors, The Horror of "Hulk", and HBO's Greatness!

Editor's Note: A few Facebook "notes" ago, I stated that I'd be "sporadically writing about certain memories that have influenced and encouraged my writing career". However, I decided against spending my next few Facebook "notes" writing about those influencial writing moments for two main reasons. First, who really wants to spend ten to fifteen minutes reading about my life? As we English majors discuss at length in our classes, Americans lack patience. Nowadays, when people attend events that contain pockets of time completely devoid of action (baseball games, church sermons), we immediately start getting antsy, sigh, and send a mass text on our cell phones to maximize entertainment value. ESPN's Bill Simmons would call this phenomenon the 150 Minute Rule (scroll to Number #1). To ask you, my faithful readers, to listen to my diatribes about writing would be an arduous task. At this moment, people are constantly vying for your attention. While you sit here to read this paragraph, I guarantee that you've received a text message, gained another Facebook friend, and hunted for the nearest dictionary/thesaurus to look up the word "diatribe" to see if I used it correctly. Honestly, I'd have an easier time asking Keanu Reeves to take classes at Juillard to become a better actor than convincing you guys to sit and read these postings. (Plus, I need to save those writing stories for dates and my future autobiography "The Audacity of Hope (Remix): A Barack Obama Michael Benjamin Story.")

Since I'm starting to get wistful about my time at college, I've decided to take some time to get nostalgic about the university experience in general. Since I waxed poetic about the 5th floor of Howard University's Drew Hall a few weeks back, I'll begin today by talking about the greatness of the Home Box Office channel. Enjoy.

Things I'll Miss About College #2: HBO
When a new movie comes out and hits the box office, I pride myself in being the last possible person to see the flick. My propensity for laziness in regards to watching movies stems from a terrible experience that occured back in the summer of 2003 that can be summarized in three words: The. Incredible. Hulk.

Honestly, I should have done my research before agreeing to venture to the movie theater with my friends that summer. First off, when a movie is headlined by a guy with no real acting experience other than a show that bears his name (Eric Bana) and can be tossed around in discussions as the "unknown actor" or the "I've never heard of that guy" actor, you can immediately color me nervous. I believe that every actor/actress has to go through the gauntlet of accompanying roles and TV appearances before landing a leading role in any feature-length film. This allows the actor/actress an opportunity to foster their acting potential, experiment with a bevy of different styles (due to the variety of storylines within a sitcom), which helps them to gain necessary experience and curry favor with the viewing audience. Most importantly, the actor doesn't get overexposed. Allowing an actor/actress to get overexposed before they've honed their acting talent is like allowing an one-dimensional basketball player to become the face of your NBA franchise. That's just a recipe for disaster. (Yes, I'm talking to you, Gilbert Arenas (owner of an egregiously large salary) and the ownership group of the Washington Wizards.)

Let's look at Cuba Gooding's acting career, for example. In the meaning-making 1991 film Boys N the Hood, John Singleton did a great job of surrounding the talented but raw Cuba Gooding, Jr., an actor fresh off of a minor role in the classic Eddie Murphy comedy "Coming to America" with a solid foundation of actors to learn from (Lawrence Fishburne and Angela Bassett), other young emerging actors (Nia Long, Morris Chestnut) and characters that were destined to become typecast as soon as the movie hit the cineplex (Regina King). In many ways, this movie was dually a life-training course for young Tre in the 'hood of Compton, LA and an opportunity for young Cuba Gooding to experience the Hollywood limelight in a significant role. After nailing the role of Rod Tidwell in the chick flick (ahem, sports film) Jerry Maguire, Cuba Gooding expanded his motion picture catalogue (Men of Honor, Boat Trip, Radio) with the understanding that he can act in any movie without concern for his reputation because the audience has already embraced his abilities and acting candor.

To me, putting together a spectacular movie cast is similar to the process of creating a solid basketball team. You need your franchise guys to bring the pain (Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce) and your supporting, one-dimensional guys to compliment your superstars and fill your team's needs (Ray Allen, James Posey, Kendrick Perkins). That's why last year's Kevin Garnett trade to Boston was so pivotal. The Celtics lacked an inspiring superstar, and KG lacked a solid supporting cast, because, well...a superstar can't do everything.

When Crash came out and won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2004, it laid out the ultimate blueprint for success in Hollywood. If a group of talented actors can merge their skills (a la Captain Planet and the Planeteers) and agree to put aside top billing in order to forward a common goal (money and an overarching message), then ultimate success can be achieved. The 2003-2004 Los Angeles Lakers tried this strategy, which ultimately backfired. Gary Payton lacked the maturity to concede his superstar status to Kobe and Shaq (and the understanding to realize that his best days were behind him), Shaquille's earning potential was in doubt (Kobe Bryant had just resigned for a huge deal) and hung over the team throughout the entire season, Kobe didn't fully buy into the system (as he was trying to stay out of jail), and Karl Malone was injured and couldn't fulfill his obligatory one-dimensional duty - court toughness. To win a championship, players must set aside their individual concerns for the benefit of the team, which, in the case of the 2003-2004 Los Angeles Lakers, wasn't possible.

That's why the Wilson Brothers, Vince Vaughn, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, and Jack Black are the hottest collection of comedy actors in the movies right now. These guys (along with director/writer Judd Apatow) hold the components and understand the formula for on-screen success. Plus, all of these guys (minus Luke Wilson) are living in their prime, but don't overexpose themselves too much. The "Frat Pack" all act in one another's movies, bring the perfect amount of physical/sarcastic/slapstick humor to the table, and incorporate other pieces (Seth Rogen) to their team in order to reciprocate their talents. The reason guys like Robin Williams eventually fell out of favor with America was because we saw Robin in every movie with a comedic twist for a 4 to 6 year stretch (Mrs. Doubtfire, Jumaji, Jack). Plus, Robin's attempt at true acting (see: the Final Cut) rather than the "comedic faciliator" role that most SNL frontmen enjoy probably slid his career from A-list to B-list. Sure, he's still putting out quality films (Night at the Museum), but the "Frat Pack" has officially usurped his status as comedy film king.

Of course, as a 16 year-old kid, I payed cursory attention to detail. I felt (Mistake #1) that "Hulk" HAD to be good, only thinking about the simple equation of (cartoon hero + action + accompanying girls = awesome). Without considering the proper research, my companions and I hustled to the movie theater and waited for three hours to see Hollywood's first attempt at "The Incredible Hulk". If you haven't seen it, don't even consider putting yourself through this inhumane torture. You'll probably start sobbing uncontrollably and yelling "WHY!!!!" by the end of the third scene.

Nowadays, I always wait for some stooge (usually a buddy trying to hook up with a girl) to spend his cash on a half-decent movie and report back his findings. If the movie's bad, I can save my cash (or buy a rack of Nabisco's Nutter Butter cookies), chill out, and commence to beating the crap out of Glass Joe in Mike Tyson's Punch Out!. If the movie's good, I then stroll in the following weekend at my convenience (right before the trailers begin), own up the best possible seat (middle-top, mid row), stretch my body across the entire row, and laugh aloud to my heart's content.

After receiving the HBO network after our school decided to upgrade our network package in 2007 - an underrated but spectacular move by HU's administration, by the way - was dually a blessing and a curse. Although the student body's GPA was destined to free fall like Tom Petty, HBO gave me an opportunity to see all the movies that I deemed unworthy to receive my movie dollar. Last week, I watched "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" twice and laughed equally hard both times as Wanda Sykes stated her insignificant lines. Plus, I caught a replay of "Transformers" (with Louis from "Even Stevens") and decided to add Shia LeBeouf next to Deon Richmond to my mental canon of "actors I must watch an episode of Dragonball Z with someday". (By the way, does anybody know what the heck happened to Ren?) The only problem with HBO's programming is their unprecedented bad timing in regards to the "Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel" broadcast. This show is an awesome sports program, but needs to be couched in a back-to-back time slot with "Costas Now" to assuage the pain and call it a day. HBO executives, when I expect to see a mediocre movie in the middle of a dull weekday afternoon, there's no worse feeling than flipping to your channel and seeing reruns of a "Real Sports" episode from mid-July. If you're going to call your channel the Home Box Office network, let's stick to the script and show some movies. Or, at least an Entourage marathon. Now, the ball's in your court. Do the right thing. Thanks.

Since I'll probably just start a Netflix account once I get my own pad, this will be the last time in my life that I watch this heavy of a dose of HBO before graduating. I love the channel, but not enough to warrant tossing down that $10-a-month subscription fee.

Well, unless HBO starts showing films that fall under my earlier characteristics. Then...we'll see.

Michael Benjamin, II

Jackson Has His Phil as Allen Burns Sas-usage in Kobe's Kitchen

"Dagger!" my dad yelled at the TV while my kid brother and I sat staring at the increasingly annoying Yukon Denali commercial in disbelief.

"Ray Allen just put the Vu-Ya-Shake on Sasha Vujacic."

Indeed, after Kobe had taken the ball to the rack and gotten fouled, after Derek Fisher had drained another clutch jumper to cut the Celtic lead down to 3, we saw what I can only classify as the Sa-sha Shake.

"Ray Allen did a tappity-tap, shake-and-back on Sasha from SLOW-venia!" my dad exclaimed as I watched Eddie House sink two dagger free throws to end the Lakers' hopes for a comeback.

And that pretty much ends the Lakers' chances at grabbing the championship this year. Wow, and wow.

Folks, you have just missed the "wow" game of this year's NBA playoffs.

For those of you on the East Coast that decided to hit the sack last night after seeing the Lake Show jump out to a 24 point lead in the second quarter, you probably made the biggest mistake of your NBA lives. Two hours ago, I was pumping my fist harder than O.J. was after he got the "not-guilty" call from the jury in his murder trial back in 1995. After the Jewish sensation that is Jordan Farmar hit a NBA JAM three-pointer to stretch the lead at the buzzer ending the first-half, I was certain that the Lakers were on their way to tying up the series.

But then, Pierce hit an unusual jumper. Then KG...POSTED UP...and scored. Eddie House (the guy who ESPN's Bill Simmons' has been screaming should get playing time) knocks down a shot, P.J. Brown caps off the run with a ferocious dunk and suddenly...Boston is only down 2 at the end of the third quarter.

It's game time.

From that point at the end of the third quarter, the Lakers just looked nervous. Though Phil coolly responded that Lady Momentum was going to swing back in his team's favor in his mid-half interview with Michelle Tafoya, I wasn't sold. I could already see the backs of some chairs in the Staples Center, probably left vacant by some fair-weather actor trying to promote his new movie (Hancock), or some well-versed white singer. Justin, in the NBA Finals...that just isn't justified.

Meanwhile on the court, the Lakers began to panic. The rhythmic sounds of swishing nets in the forum was replaced by a chorus of clangs, gasps, and my absolute favorite, doinks. The artistic five-on-five display that I'd grown accustomed to seeing from the Lakers was usurped by an anarchist rebel (Kobe) that attempted to snatch victory from the rejuvenated Celtic bunch. Unfortunately for the city of Los Angeles, Fake M.J. was unable to avoid becoming a footnote in the Celtics' greatest comeback performance in NBA history.

(Shhh...that sound you hear is the plethora of bandwagon fans jumping ship)

Uh, Sasha...you left your ankles at the free-throw line.
Might want to go pick 'em up patna.

Mike Benjamin, II