Let's Shift Our Attention to the Round Ball!

(Editor's Note: This first appeared in the sports section of Howard University's daily newspaper, The Hilltop, on October 27, 2008. However, here...well, it appears unedited (*full length too long to fit in paper*). Enjoy!)

Greetings, my fellow Americans.

In less than two weeks, we will embark on an historic journey. The road will be filled with a myriad of twists and turns, some anticipating showdowns, and even a few highlights. Heck, history's about to take place in 2008, and I'm glad to be one of many writers detailing this year's significance.

And I'm not just talking about the race between Barack Obama and John McCain for the White House.

Sure, on the night of November 4th, both presidential nominees will be squirming in their seats, waiting as the final ballots are counted in hotly contested battleground states like Ohio and Florida. However, days before either man graces the podium to accept the presidency and lead America for the next four years, I'll be watching an jealous Stephon Marbury stare at the Garden hardwood with a towel draped over his shoulders as Chris Duhon runs an improved New York Knicks offense, waiting for his opportunity to throttle Mike DiAntoni as he paces the sidelines. I can't wait to see Ernie Grunfeld, general manager of the Washington Wizards, watch his inept offense from the executive suite while downing cases of Amstel Light, refusing to believe that his 120 million dollar man - Gilbert Arenas - is slowly becoming this generation's version of Allan Houston.

Ready or not....the NBA season is upon us.

Trust me, you're not the only one that forgot about the NBA season. Somehow, I got blindsided worse than Nancy Kerrigan's knee at the U.S. Figure Skating Championships in 1994. Honestly, I have no excuse. I was too busy trying to come to terms with the idea that Chicago's Kyle Orton (1,669 passing yards, 10 TD) is having a statisically better season than Peyton Manning of the Indianapolis Colts (1,531 yards, 8 TD's). Seriously, I'm not quite ready to live in a football world devoid of an operational Tom Brady, or a world that has watched Marvin Harrison make his 'return to normalcy', or a world that has been forced to see Chad Ocho Cinco continue to play with the name 'Johnson' still affixed to the back of his jersey. I was tricked into believing that this NFL season would continue exactly where the Super Bowl ended in February, giving its fans even greater epic feats and broken records. Instead, fans have been seduced into watching the mediocre Kerry Collins lead a undefeated but boring Titans team and wince as Emmitt Smith continues to get 'debacled' and trip over multi-syllabic words. (Emmitt, let's not dance around it any longer...you're just not cut out for work as an NFL analyst. We'll see you in Canton in about two years, buddy.) Let's just hope that some NBA action can ultimately save sports fans from watching this dreadful football season.

Since I'm already convinced that this season's going to be fan-tastic, I've decided to hand out a few awards in advance to some NBA personnel so you can avoid watching them during this upcoming season. Let's just agree to get rid of these nuisances before they ruin our enjoyment of basketball. Plus, now I can avoid giving irrational predictions in this column, like suggesting a Knicks/Warriors final. I'm just saying...

LVP (Least Valuable Player): Vince 'Wince' Carter

Did you know that Vince Carter posted a 24-5-4 clip last year? Wow. Well, now that the Nets are officially gathering funds for the Lebron James sweepstakes in 2010, you can guarantee that Vince (now 30 years old) will shut it down, sign his paychecks, and take fadeaway jumpers for the entire season. He's definitely a guy that I can see in another uniform by February's trade deadline.

Worst Coach of the Year: Larry Brown

I love the fact that GM Michael Jordan decided to pair Larry Brown, a coach known to hate using young players, with a team completely filled with young talent. If you even get the crazy notion that watching the Charlotte Bobcats play this year might be enjoyable, don't be afraid to walk to the health clinic to ask for help. Remember, denial is the first step that people take to overcome tragedy.

Psuedo-Rookie of the Year: Russell Westbrook

Honestly, I think that Westbrook can be a solid player once he understands that being a point guard in the NBA means that he can't take every available jumper on the floor. I'm not convinced that he got the opportunity to gain much point guard experience in college. (By the way, Clay Bennett, those NBA fans you hear outside your window aren't booing, they're saying...no wait, they're booing. Thanks for stealing Seattle's team.)

Least Improved Player: Eddy Curry

When I heard that Eddy Curry snapped the training staff's medicine ball during a workout this offseason, I immediately doubled over with laughter. This is the guy that we expect to benefit from the implementation of the fastbreak offense? Great.

Before casting your ballot in this historic election, get ready for some basketball history to be made.

We're talking about the NBA, where amazing happens.

-Mike "TTK" Benjamin

Watching Football With the "Yard Family" at Homecoming

(Editor's Note: This article was first written in Howard University's daily black college newspaper, The Hilltop. You can check out this and more of my writings for the Hilltop, at www.thehilltoponline.com. Now, onto the article. Enjoy.)

We’ve got to stop scheduling Morgan State for homecoming.

I saw it go up.

Coach Carey Bailey had just called a great play-action pass for the Bison, leading to an awesome bootleg and toss from QB Floyd Haigler to his running back who scampered into the end zone for six. However, nothing is guaranteed in college football, and our kicker’s extra point attempt sailed wide right.

Final Score: Morgan State 31, Howard 30. And I saw it all from WHUT’s big screen TV on the Yard.

To me, watching the football game from the Yard is one of the most underrated experiences of Homecoming weekend at Howard. Every year a collection of folks from diverse backgrounds and different eras to trek across this country and return to HU.

Though our American economy screams for reform and our wallets cry for attention, the students and alumni refuse to allow this sacred tradition to die.

This multitude of globetrotters and world-changers take a collective break from their lives and muster the resources to gather annually at the Hilltop for their Howard University Homecoming.

For that collection of hours, Howard is more than a simple getaway weekend.

Howard is home.

Every year, the Yard eagerly awaits the return of this huddled mass. Shop owners fight to claim their space along the economic triangle in front of the Carnegie Building, knowing that legions of alumni will walk through to bargain for extravagant paintings and creative Obama T-shirts.

During the football game these shop owners are even busier than they were during Yardfest. Further down towards Douglass Hall, the smell of food circulates the air and draw hour-long lines filled with people who clamor for the taste of home cooking. Though Howard’s fashion show ends on the Thursday night before game day, a stream of new designs and unique threads continue to travel throughout the crowd, voicing the individuality of its wearers.

On the Yard, Homecoming IS football. To the appreciative Yard crowd, the unknown defensive linebacker before the game that later drilled a Morgan State running back during the game will forever be known by the nickname of “Coop.”

The reserve kicker that boots the football through the uprights on only his second career field goal attempt receives genuine cheers because of his resiliency. To these fans, Howard football brings back pleasant memories and toothy smiles.

While the final score on this day may signal another Howard loss, these fans will always remember this team played with intensity and character, attributes that they also strive to exhibit in their daily lives.

Sure, Yard football fans know that overtime action may bring a huge amount of stadium fans that left the stands too quickly in order to beat the traffic or prepare for their future activities after the game. However, the additional fans that join the group add the right amount of nervous excitement and energy to the crowd, wincing and holding their breath along with the Yard fans after every extra snap in overtime.

However different, the constant thread that ties all Homecoming game fans together will still remain the same. We all take joy in watching our players don those blue and white uniforms on that Saturday afternoon.

For those four hours, watching the Homecoming game on the projection screen with folks on the Yard is like piling into a family member’s living room on Thanksgiving to watch football before scarfing down the pot roast and greens. On this Saturday, millions of people around the globe treasure this experience because Howard represents that family. Heck, Howard University is family.

I’m just happy to have a seat at the table. And a spot on the Yard, too.

Michael A. Benjamin II

A Nod to My Writing Past: My Life as a Freshman Dorm Resident

Editor's Note: Over the next few months, I'll be sporadically writing about certain memories that have influenced and encouraged my writing career. Don't worry, sports fans. I'm currently writing a sports column every Monday over at Howard University's daily college newspaper, The Hilltop. You can check out those articles online at The Hilltop Online.com. I'm also co-hosting my sports talk radio program "Instant Replay" every Monday night from 6-8pm on WHBC radio, the number #1 college station in the nation. Check out the show every week by streaming online at www.whbc830am.com. Lastly, I'll still be writing here, but will probably focus on more open topics. For examples, check out my notes about A Different World, or The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. You'll see what I mean.

Anyway, today's moment: Drew Hall. Enjoy.

Who told me that Senior Year was going to be easy?

I thought I had the perfect Senior Year planned out. First, I made sure to take the bulk of my core classes in my early years at Howard to avoid the heavy course loads that sideline most Seniors from graduation. I took "Beginning Swimming" while I lived in Drew Hall (freshman dorm) so that I didn't have to drag the hospital-clean smell of chlorine around on my body for the entire day. Second, I made sure that those AP credits and college level courses from high school (another time that I could have completely slacked off and enjoyed the year to the fullest) actually got processed by Howard University. I almost got bamboozled, especially with Ms. Han my old graduation scheme advisor deciding to throw up the deuces and leave HU as soon as her pension kicked in. After a long flight back from Beijing that easily left me jetlagged for about two weeks, I had to force myself to wake up early, grab an appointment with my new advisor, and make sure that I was in line with HU regarding my expected departure date, May 2009. Lastly, I wrote a Junior Thesis so that I could merely expand the old thesis into a full length assignment, graduate, and still have to time to write the occasional Facebook "note." Boy, was I ever wrong.

I really miss Freshman Year.

Back during Freshman Year, before I found my niche as a sports guy and all-around creative writer, I was a History major. I loved memorizing random facts, such as the fact that British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain thinking that he was slowing down Adolf Hitler's desire to control Europe by deciding to hand over Czechoslovakia in a treaty. Honestly, was that really going to work? To me, that's the equivalent of giving the neighborhood bully your lunch money for the day, but telling him, "Well, I'm not giving you my money tomorrow, okay?" Do you think he's going to listen? Of course not! He'll probably just wait and then jack you for your loot tomorrow on your way to the bus stop, which is precisely what Hitler did when he entered Poland to force the Second World War in 1939.

(Wow, we're way off topic...let's get back to reminiscing about Freshman year. Sorry.)

Many of the references and ideas that have shaped my writing style were developed during my time in Howard University's Drew Hall. Candidly, Drew Hall was a year-round sweatbox designed in a U-shaped specifically to raise the heat index, and that's putting it nicely. However, Drew Hall was a place that a young frosh could develop into a successful Howard student, to become aware of his surroundings, to understand what it meant to be a college student.

Of course, I'm glad that the elevators in the Towers apartments don't get stuck during Move-In week. I'm also glad that I don't share a shower (ONE single shower) with 40+ dudes and live across from the floor's garbage bin that was filled to the brim daily with old Domino's pizza boxes (gotta respect the 5-5-5 deal) and the famous Ho-Chi scent that disseminated through the halls (along with the caked-up smell of marijuana). However, behind those prison walls and living in the dreary greenish paint that donned the walls of the hated menace, a group of exceptional guys existed. Everyday, behind the doors of Drew's solitary "Penthouse" triple, a displaced genius from New Orleans, an excited optimist from Queens Village, and three great guys from Raleigh, North Carolina joked, laughed, created theories, played video games, and became great friends.

To me, that's what college life is all about. There, in Drew 539, we could chronicle the now-late Sean Taylor's devastating blows through YouTube, wonder aloud at the idea that Will Smith must have had mononucleosis during his run on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and hold Madden '06 tournaments while arguing for Laveranues Coles' inclusion into a discussion of the Top-25 wide receivers in the league, among other things. The "Raleigh Three" (Brenden, Ellis, and James) along with Jamin helped this young writer cultivate creative new ways to approach writing. While getting to know these guys helped bolster my knowledge of sports and trivia which eventually brandished me as the "Throwback" guy around campus, the friendship that grew over the course of those ten months was important in helping me develop a strong sense of confidence with myself. Simply put, Drew 539 was pure awesomeness.

Nowadays, as I look at life's odometer and realize that my college career has just about run its course, I recognize that my residency in that sweatbox on Gresham Place was key in my development as a writer, a student, and a person. I thank God (first for providing me with awesome ceiling and floor fans) and secondly for allowing us to grow together as students and men. Granted, I never again want to share five washing machines with 300+ guys or lose my visitation privileges because some idiot decides to make the broom closet his personal bathroom stall. However, Drew was a place where you could shout in the hallway after a clutch World Series home run or cackle like Eddie Murphy after defeating your opponent in NBA Live and any guy walking by would cackle along with you.

Drew Hall, thanks for the memories.

-Mike Benjamin, II

Another Article at the Hilltop!

Don't know if I mentioned it before, but I wrote an article about the Jeremy Shockey trade for my school's newspaper, the Hilltop.

Here's the link: http://media.www.thehilltoponline.com/media/storage/paper590/news/2008/07/28/Perspectives/Loyal.N.y.Giants.Fan.Vents.Frustrations.To.General.Manager.CoOwner-3394913.shtml

So, check it out, and lemme know what you think.
-TTK

Hey, What's the Deal With The "New" Facebook?

Last weekend (September 12-14, 2008), while most some of Howard University drove down to Virginia to see the battle of the Real HU (Howard!), I got a chance to travel to North Carolina for a college Christian retreat with a great group of students from both Howard and Georgetown University. Unfortunately for me, it was the weekend right after the Georgetown/HU football battle at Greene Stadium for the DC Cup, and I prepared myself for a ride that was sure to include a myriad of jokes, Dikembe Mutombo-esque finger waving, and a generous demonstration of Hoya school spirit (they won the game, 12-7). I had gotten to know or meet most of the Georgetown folks prior to the trip because we all attend Grace Covenant Church over at the Chinatown Theater, and I knew that I had to either freshen up my joke game or reload my I-Pod with some new song material. Fortunately for me, the Hoya students stayed on their leashes, only unleashing jokes equipped with the necessary Zing! when the moment was perfect. (Honestly, that’s probably another reason why the average SAT score over there is like a 1200.) All in all, I got a chance to hang with new folks from other campus ministries, play in a basketball tourney (and not get dunked on), and destroy so many S’mores that I was comatose from sugar overload the next morning. Yup, it was a great weekend that helped me to cap off my summer blessed and refreshed.

However, while I searched the smog-free skies for the eclectic assortment of stars that make up the “Big Dipper”, other minds were feverishly at work during that weekend. A certain pimple-faced Harvard gentleman teetered across the cold hallways of his building in Palo Alto, wondering if the world would be ready to experience the dramatic change he was ready to unfold. As the lights dimmed (literally) in Hampton, VA on another Howard Bison football experience, piston engines and internet service providers listened intently for the furious clicks stemming from the individual’s corner office keyboard. Minutes before USC began to throttle the Buckeyes in dramatic fashion on primetime television, the change had already taken effect.

I was oblivious, however. I had checked my Facebook hours before my departure that Friday on my laptop, making sure that any last minute “notifications” had been viewed. My status has been altered, my Inbox depleted, and my weekend cleared. Unfortunately, as I closed and locked my suite for the weekend, I had no idea that I was seeing the last of the old Facebook. As Louis XV said before the French Revolution, “after this, the deluge.”

When I dragged my bags into my room at 5:30PM that fateful Sunday afternoon, I was floored. What’s up with this new setup? Who broke into my room to modify my Facebook profile? For the love of God, WHO’S BIRTHDAY IS IT TODAY?

In an instant, Facebook had changed.

Of course, I immediately checked to see if the Facebook "legions" had finally allowed me to tag more than 25 people to a Facebook “note” so I can finally end my insane tagging method. And, obviously, I was still limited. Despondent, I turned to football hoping that the Jets would be beating the snot out of the Patriots so that I could find joy in the midst of my disgust. Alas, it was not to be…as the score read “PATRIOTS 6, JETS 3” at the half.

Yup, I was as shocked as ever. How dare “they” (Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook, Inc.) show us their best corporate smile and convince me that Facebook is “connecting me with the world around me.” To that I ask, what world? The new design has made it even more challenging to connect with old friends and find new ones. Just as MySpace slowly became TheirSpace (corporate America’s, that is), Facebook has become little more than a yearbook in which the pages of advertisements and self-aggrandizement far outweigh the emotional and memorable experiences from that school year. Mark Zuckerberg has sold out in order to gain access to more of those men – Washington, Lincoln, Jefferson, and Benjamin. The tragedy of Dr. Faustus has befallen yet another corporate entity that too eagerly pursues a more beneficial profit margin over the cheers of an abused populace. Yup, it looks like yet another company has completely sold out for the wads of cash nestled in the wallets of corporate America, wallets that are currently filled with borrowed Chinese currency.

I’ve looked past those “I’m so over him/her” annoying status updates. I’ve created Facebook “groups” and added Facebook “photo albums”. I’ve argued for the benefit of the Facebook “notes.” I’ve turned my head and coughed while invaders impersonated my friends to raid my profile wall with “Find Your Crush Now!” ads. But can I, the self-proclaimed Facebook writer, find solace in a terrifying new Facebook world?

Well, I’ve personally never attempting to find solace in Facebook. To me, the “New” Facebook has only reiterated the importance of not putting my faith in the constantly changing things of this world, like the stock market or political scene. I’m so glad I put my faith in a cool guy that will never pull the wool over my eyes and only looks out for my best interests and the interests of his Father. I’m so glad that I’m not attached to the fleeting gimmacks that occupy this world. I’m so glad Jesus gave me a new heart so that I can win at the game of life. And I so glad that Facebook doesn’t run my world.

I bid adieu to this final weekend of summer.
However, now is the winter of our discontent with Facebook.

I’m so glad I’m living the good life.
-TTK

Back to Life, Back to Reality...But First, Beijing 2008!

Mike, I can’t believe you were in China?

So, Mike, how was Beijing?

You’ve got to tell me all about it!

Coming back to Howard University after a tremendous summer that took me to Cancun, Philadelphia, Delaware and of course, Beijing, I realized that I’d have to answer that question. With everyone awaiting my return with baited breath, I knew that I’d have to come prepared with exceptional stories, tons of free Olympic swag, and possibly, a Chinese girlfriend.

But honestly, how can any person briefly regale stories that characterize the full impact of any life-changing trip? I mean, this is China. This is the 2008 Summer Olympics. As my friend Phil casually referenced during the trip, this is the place that our parents jokingly told us we’d end up living if we sat in our bathtubs while the water drained or if we kept digging downward in our sandlots and McDonald’s play areas. Day after day, history was literally being recorded, and I, a writer from Queens, NY, became its paupous witness. How could I give my roommate, family member, or college friend a 30 second synopsis of a trip that was mind-blowing every minute of the day? With every casual trip answer I tossed to my listeners, I felt like the Al Capone during his historic run, or an unrelenting professor that hands out a B when your class average is an 89, or even Jimmy Conway from GoodFellas.

I was robbing my friends of the experience.

But, as any terrified witness of history is prone to do, I continued stating the obvious. China? Yea, it was cool. The Olympics? Truly amazing. Did I get to see any events? You betcha. How was the Great Wall? Well, it was…great.

As your sugarcoated NBC memories of the Beijing 2008 Olympics start to erode due to schoolwork, fantasy football, and life, I realized that I had to do the right thing. Besides delivering that pizza for Mookie and completely killing the joke from the previous sentence (see what I did there?), I had to tell my stories. Yes, I know that my first Facebook “note” after a long layoff looks like the written form of Elephantitis than real writing. Yes, I know that writing about the Olympics after the first week of NFL football is the author’s equivalent to getting kissed by Rogue from X-Men (or having to listen to Jadakiss’s “Kiss of Death” from cover to cover). Yes, I know that any modicum of humor I write into this text is destined to be more lame than a D.L. Hughley standup in which he, uhh, actually tells jokes.

But, I need to write. Even though I’ve got a worse case of writer’s block than J.R. Writer, I can’t call myself a writer unless I’m actually writing. Well, unless my name is Stephen A. Smith. (Zing!)

So, while you’ve enjoyed outstanding articles from guys like Adrian Mood, Johnathan Tillman, and others, it’s time for me to re-enter my “notes” into the Facebook world. I won’t come off sounding like Toni Morrison, Tony Medina, or Michael Wilbon in this “note”, but at least I’ll do a better job of telling you about my experiences in Beijing. If you want to hear more about Beijing, let’s schedule a one-on-one conversation.

So, here we go…my first Beijing story is out of the can. Enjoy.

Hanging Near the Today Show(written on August 8, 2008)

Hi All,

After three days of jetlag, an cold that has my voice sounding worse than Macy Gray, and a serious case of the runs, I am now ready to start my job as a logger for NBC. Tonight, we'll be starting our coverage of the Games with the beginning of the Opening Ceremony happening tonight here in Beijing.

Okay, so what does a logger do? Well, we watch sports and write about what's happening. Wait, wha? Yes, we loggers are called upon by NBC to give a detailed play-by-play analysis of the match or event that we are scheduled to watch. I'll give you a better idea of what it is as I go along working these 12 hour shifts here at NBC.

Last night (morning in the United States), I was on the Today Show. And by "on the Today Show", I mean that I was flailing my arms in the background of Meredith Vieira and Matt Lauer while wearing a bright orange Texas Longhorns cap (to stand out on camera). Plus, being one of the three black folks in the crowd left me looking like a vanilla bean speck in a half-gallon container of Breyers. Awesome times, that's for sure.

About halfway into the show, Ann Curry joined Matt and Meredith on stage. I've always enjoyed Ann Curry's presence on NBC. From her cameos on "To Catch A Predator" to her mistakes on camera being recorded as fodder for Joel McHale's "The Soup" on VH1, my experiences with Ann Curry are nothing short of priceless. Today was no different. Unfortunately for her, someone forgot to tell her that she had smeared bright red lipstick all over the top row of her teeth.

During the commercial break, she decided to saunter over to greet the crowd. Bad idea. Of course, I happened to be licking my lips like a madman to make sure that I didn't leave any goodies in the roof rack. Plus, I thought that I would be throwing her a hint. Heck, maybe she'd lick her top row and taste some acrylic paint.

Obviously, being an complete retard and an inept lip licker (unlike this guy), I accidentally made the teeth sucking noise right before Ann and the crew were ready to go back on-air. Yes, it was REALLY LOUD. Let's just say that if I were in church, I'd probably get the stink eye from an old church mother sitting in an adjacent pew and a fierce poke in the ribs from my mom.

While everyone in my area turned around to scold me, Ann was incredibly oblivious to the noise. Perhaps she wasn't concerned with an intern wearing a hat that barely matched the rest of his clothes. Maybe because she was too rich and famous to be bothered. (Perhaps she was still trying to find the state of Illinois on a map.) Heck, I didn't know.

I ignored the scorn of the crowd and decided to slide away from the fracas. Just then, my colleague pointed out some of the members of the USA Diving Team (Jevon Tarantino and Chris Colwill, to be exact) were also present in the crowd (a clear indication of their importance to NBC). Since my Dad was a former trainer of Olympic level swimmers, divers, and triathlon athletes, I coolly strolled over to make some small talk.

Me:"Hey guys!"
USA Divers: "Hey.
"Me:"Congratulations on making it to the Olympics! How's the experience been?"
Divers:"Pretty good. Went over to the Great Wall today."
Me: "Really? (Mental yawn...) Cool! I was over there yesterday."
Divers:"Yeah, we rode on the toboggan ride down the side of the mountain."
Me: (Now feigning interest) "Oh really, that's what's up! awesome!"

We posed for some pictures, and I kept walking around the perimeter. This time, Rowdy Gaines (former Olympic swimmer and color commentator for NBC's Michael Phelps swimming coverage) spotted my Longhorns' hat from the back of the growing crowd and yelled.

"Horns!" he shouted, right before he was preparing to speak with Matt Lauer.

"Yeah!" I yelled back, praying that no one from Howard saw me cheering a random Division I school on national TV.

Yup, Beijing is awesome.

Michael Benjamin II is an English major from Queens Village, NY.

Draft '08: I've Gotta Get You Outta My System...Seriously.

David Stern:"And with the 6th pick in the NBA Draft, the New York Knicks select..(dramatic pause)...Danilo Gallinari..."

(Chorus of boos ensues)

Stern:"...of Italy."

Danilo, what did you expect? Two weeks ago, no one knew who the heck you were in the Big Apple. Like most New Yorkers, I was still praying that Donnie Walsh (no Isiah, YES!) could pull a trade that could get us one (or more) of these four things:

1. Cap relief in preparation of Lebron's inevitable leap to Madison Avenue in 2010.
2. Derrick Rose.
3. A good point guard/player to run in D'Antoni's system this Fall.
4. Did I already mention getting some money off of the salary cap?

Yeah, it might be tough of New York to boo the Italian, especially since most of us didn't know that Italy had a basketball league until Marbury famously vowed to play there once his contract expired. Really, you can't make this stuff up. Ladies and gentlemen, Isiah Thomas' New York Knicks!

Secondly, the Knicks have had a bad track record with Euros. I mean, the last European player we remember suffering over was Frederick Weis. You know, the guy that will have the stench of Vince Carter's cojones resting squarely on his forehead for the remainder of his life. Yeah, you really can't make this stuff up.

Honestly, once I heard David Stern start talking, I wasn't even surprised to see us take Danilo with the 6th pick. Think about it...we have the blackest team in the NBA. Since Isiah's now out as GM (YES!), we now have a white GM that looks like he's been working alongside Lt. Murtaugh from Family Matters for the past 40 years and has probably decorated his basement floor with empty Marlboro Light cartons, and an Italian coach who roomed and played alongside Danilo's dad on the Italian national team. Did you really think that we were going to pass on Danilo if he was still available at the 6th spot? Didn't think so.

By the way, I hate it when ESPN shows the same three clips of a foreign player once he's drafted. Sometimes, I feel like the folks in Bristol would like to intentionally twist the knife into the backs of every Knicks fan in the United States by showing of clips Danilo laying the ball into the basket as a 6'8'' player. Hey, set it to a track of Stephen A. Smith dissing Kwame Brown in historic fashion. As Bucks fans must know, I don't want to see Yi Jianlian backing down a folding chair in a solo workout or Danilo making offensive moves eerily similar to Ty Hansbrough's array at North Carolina. I want to see my draft pick catching alley-oops like Shawn Kemp in NBA Jam, or dribbling through defenders like "The Pharmacist" at the Rucker. Basically, I don't want my Entertainment and sports programming network to intentionally give me a reason to lay in a empty bathtub with my wrists slit. ESPN, I'm in Delaware, bored out of my mind...so throw me a bone, will ya?

(Side "Note": Delaware is dreadfully boring. Yep, I'm living in Delaware for the summer to work at my internship with CN8, the Comcast Network, and all of the rumors are true. Gas prices are cheap...but where the heck do you want to drive, anyway? My life right now is like an episode of NBC's Scrubs. I'm like J.D., the eager young professional trying to make a mark on the industry, my best friend and his wife are like Turk and Carla (newly married and ready to conquer the world together). Is there an Elliot in the picture? Who's the Dr. Cox of my work world? Okay, I'll stop babbling...)

I fully expect this draft day to be revisited five years from now on an hour-long episode of "You Can't Blame..." on ESPN Classic, right after Bob Ley chronicles Kwame Brown's newfound success as a high school janitor on "Outside the Lines." But for now, I've just gotta be like Lil' Bow Wow and get this incorrigible NBA Draft '08 outta my system. And since I don't stand at a paltry three feet and live in the Buckeye State (Ohio), the pain and disappointment of the draft will be a much longer cleansing process.

Oh well, let's just move on and rate this draft, shall we?

Best Draft Day: New Jersey Nets. What makes this year's draft even harder to bear is seeing our soon-to-be crosstown rivals (Brooklyn in 2010) setting themselves up for Lebron's eventual sprint from his home state to Jay-Z's side in New York in 2010. Not only were they able to rid themselves of Richard Jefferson's salary, but will now be able to market themselves to N.Y.'s Asian community (Chairman Yi) and add talented, cheap depth to the roster (Brook Lopez and Ryan Anderson). Plus, once V.C. decides to sulk and go into full-fledged tank city (watch for the Paul Pierce-esque "injury"), the Nets will be able to start a Devin Harris-Maurice Ager backcourt and grab a high draft pick next year. Lebron, this is all for you.

Worst Draft Day: Charlotte Bobcats. Great. Folks, let's all agree to never allow M.J. run another franchise, okay? Isn't one Kwame Brown mistake a decade good enough for the NBA? Now, we've got to see Adam Morrison hobble around while getting zero elevation on his jumpshot for the next five years, and a perfect college point guard (D.J. Augustin) get ruined by the point guard hater, Larry Brown. The NBA has already done what I'm starting to do on the New Jersey Turnpike...passed old, gray haired do-the-right-thing coaches like Larry Brown Athens by in favor of alley-oops, run and gun basketball (Mike D'Antoni, Vinny Del Negro). Unfortunately for Bobcat fans, your part-owner fails to see that the league has already left his vision in the dust. M.J., I know you like to gamble, but this is ridiculous.

Best Quote: "He's got a lot of tools, he just needs to find the key to the toolbox," Jay Bilas knocking Donte Greene's maturity level. Seriously, how can Mel Kiper, Jr. even compare to this?

Unintentional Comedic Moment: Yup, the guy that got left in the green room unceremionally this year was in fact Darrell Arthur. Okay, who told this guy that he was getting drafted in the first round? It's great when the talking heads start scratching their head and shooting the breeze about what could possibly be wrong with the last green room guy. Bad kidneys? Drug problems? Hmm...it was almost as bad as when Bilas was rehashing Marcus Williams laptop incident in '06 while he pretended to be texting his agent and looking at the floor simultaneously. You've gotta love the NBA Draft!

Guys We'll Still Be Talking About 10 Years From Now: Michael Beasley (sitting next to Rae Carruth in the state penn), Derrick Rose (Top 10 PG), Robin Lopez (best fro-hawk), OJ Mayo (biggest nickname mistake), and Mario Chalmers (about how underrated he is, thereby eventually making him overrated).

Guys You'll See as Greeters in Your Neighborhood Walmart: Joey Dorsey, Alexis Ajinca, Anthony Randolph, Mearty Leunen...basically, these guys plus everyone after the 50th pick. And you thought Simon Cowell was harsh.

GM that probably lost his job due to Draft 2008: Chris Mullin. Yup, you drafted a tall, skinny athletic player when you have three such guys already camped out on your roster (Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington, Brenden Wright) and decided to be cheap when it comes to giving your superstar guard a respectable salary. Now, your star attractions are Monta Ellis and Andris Biedrins and you've lost the respect of your entire fanbase. I think getting your resume and cover letter together would be appropriate right about now.

If you need me, I'll be burning my mock draft notes to roast marshmallows, practicing the revolutionary Urkel Dance, and praying that gas prices can climb back to the $2.99 range. I'll be in Beijing starting August 2nd, but you can check either here or my blog, Points Off Turnovers (pointsoffturnovers.blogspot.com), for updates and information about my China experience! (I'll try to leave the cheesy smiles in the states.)

Enjoy the summer folks. Adios!

- TTK