Sizzle and Steak

I've missed you.

I've missed you, Donovan McNabb, with your propensity to skip passes into your receivers, dismissing the praised concept of YAC. I've missed you too Jane Lynch, with your unabashed wit lending comedic decadence to a show not much more than Broadway in a can. I've missed you most, Phil from Modern Family, as your willingness to flirt with your father-in-law's second wife knows no bounds.
You see, I've missed all of you. And I'm glad you're back.

I always the one month hiatus the TV networks take during the month of August to recharge for Fall. Don't you know this is when I can watch the most TV? Sure, I know the Emmy's are the lynch pin between this dreaded abyss, but geez louis...can I get a twinge of situation comedy with my antipasto? For the love of God, do I have to watch "The Situation" turn into our generation's version of Mr. Furley every day? (Mike, please...don't stop doing what you do.)

I hate you, summer TV, with your meaningless baseball games and award shows. You're like a bad breakup. You leave me sans closure, hounding my black book babes for solace, and then you waltz back into my life with your Labor Day marathons, jump back into my bed, and pretend like you never left. You know I'm gonna let you back. I know you know I'm going to let you back...but I keep falling for your spell. IT'S NOT COOL.

With NFL and NFL Lite in full swing and pilot season ready to take flight, meaningful television is BACK. To celebrate, I've performed a reverse Ben Carson. I've fused the two things I love most (sports/TV) into a super blog. Hooray!
There's a monster in my closet, and it's time to let him out.

San Francisco 49ers (10-6)- "SNL"
I am an NBC Page. Like this guy. I commonly give studio tours inside our building, showing off vacant studios while selling NBC's grandeur via endearing anecdotes and colorful performances. I'm quite good at the latter, actually.

During the tour, we always pass the classic picture of the "Not Ready for Primetime Players". And every time, a ribald guest will overture above the crowd: "This cast was THE BEST. The current cast has NOTHING on CHEVY and GILDA! Uhh, who's that black guy?" (Garrett Morris)

Like SNL, people are always talking about the good ole days of 49ers football, at the expense of the current cast. Remember Montana/Clark? Wasn't Jerry Rice great? What's Roger Craig up to? But fortunately, for both franchises, happy days are here again. With Jay Pharaoh's impressions and Nasim Pedrad's growing popularity, it looks like we're in for a little bit of a comedic renaissance. Oh yeah, the Niners are GOOD and that division SUCKS.

Green Bay Packers (12-4) - "30 Rock"
Is Matt Damon becoming the king of season finales? He badmouthed Ari and Johnny Drama on Entourage, then shimmied his way into a pilot's suit to cap off 30 Rock. What's he up to? He's already got that Good Will Hunting Oscar kicking up dust in the man cave, so maybe he's going for that all-elusive EGOT. (Tracy Jordan/Morgan, you slay/annoy me.)
My problem with actors like Matt sliding into TV roles is this: They're way too good. They expose the weaknesses in your regular cast (Tracy/typecast, Tina/too one-dimensional) and blow everyone else off the screen. When he's in a scene, he dominates the scene.

Aaron Rodgers does the same thing as Packers QB. He's a Top-10 accuracy passer. He completed 17 bombs (40+ yd passes) and had 4,000 yards in 2009. But his O-line's awful (as evidenced by the 14 knockouts he took...in the 1st half), and his RBs are close to becoming waiver wire fodder.

Can 30 Rock continue to evolve past the in-jokes to revolutionize comedy? Can the Packers make the Super Bowl with a passing attack in frigid January? Or will we be too busy starting at Matt Damon/Aaron Rodgers to notice?

Indianapolis Colts (10-6) - The Office
He's the only QB to make the Pro Bowl every year this decade. He's the fastest QB to reach 10,000 and 30,000 passing yards in a career. He's had Kendra Wilkinson's boy toy and the man once known as The Nicest Receiver Who Ever Lived (Marvin Harrison) as targets. Peyton Manning is the best quarterback since sliced bread.

BUT...he's only won one title. He got beat last year and brought back the Manning Face (copyright: Bill Simmons). And, with his team making no measurable improvements while the rest of the league got better, is now the time to count Peyton out?
Yep. Just like Steve Carell, I think Pey-Pey's got another 2-3 years of dominance. However, Peyton's got to overcome typecast role players (Garcon/Pam-Jim), aging cagey vets (Dwight Schrute/Dwight Freeney), and discouraging leadership (B.J. Novak/Jim Caldwell) to get to the promised land. And even then, it's still not a mortal lock. (Steve STILL hasn't won an Emmy. Wow.) 8-8? Not inconceivable.

New Orleans Saints (14-2) - Modern Family
I love seeing that birthmark of Drew Brees' face. After winning a Super Bowl, Drew could've easily upgraded to a $40 haircut and touched the mark off with a plastic surgeon courtesy of Dr. Drew. Easily could've banked another 3-4 commercials based on Super Bowl swag alone. But he didn't.

Deftly, Drew Brees has forced his way into America's hearts with his blemishes and flaws. Just like inner beauty pageants for big girls, Brees is here to stay. And fresh off that Emmy love, "Modern Family"'s not going anywhere either. Here's to another superstar season from both.
Arizona Cardinals (5-11) - "Entourage"
Sitting back, slinging it deep, and rolling with the homies was fun while it lasted. Too bad something's gotta give (Kurt Warner's retirement). This series is cascading down faster than a tidal wave of the shores of Lake Titicaca.

Tennessee Titans (11-5) - "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"
Like "Jimmy Fallon", it's going to take a while for the Titans to come into their own. Like Fallon, they've got a strong base (NBC/Titans' ownership). Like Fallon, the ship is guided by strong, lasting leadership (Lorne Michaels/Jeff Fisher). Like Jimmy Fallon, when it all comes together, it's going to be glorious.

Pittsburgh Steelers (?) - "Parks and Recreation"
Amy Poehler is pregnant. Ben Roethlisberger is getting girls pregnant. Too bad we've gotta wait until midseason to see how this plays out.
Chicago Bears (4-12) - "Outsourced"
Let's have some ad libs fun!

My name is Mike Nolan Rod Marinelli Lovie Smith. My team, the San Francisco 49ersChicago Bears are having problems implementing an effective offense. My job as coach of the 49ersBears is in jeopardy. Perhaps Mike Martz, inventor of the famous "Greatest Show on Turf" and rejuvenator of the Lions49ers offense can help me out. There's no way he'll try to manuever the situation for his own good (destroyed both franchises with his back-biting).

Bears fans, this is a cry for help. At least you'll have those draft picks, right? Oh wait. OUCH.

*(Outsourced = Slumdog Millionaire + hacky comedy. #FAIL.)*

Cincinnati Bengals (6-10) - "Two and a Half Men"
There's only a limited amount of passes Carson Palmer can throw. There's only one half-hour in which to produce a quintessential multi-camera comedy. There's not enough action to go around. There's only room for one funny guy (Charlie Sheen/OchoCinco). I just don't see this working out.

I'm eagerly anticipating the demise of the T-Ocho era.
New York Jets (8-8) - "Glee"
Remember when "Glee" was just an upstart pilot looking for love in the FOX lineup? No longer. A year later, we're dealing with crazy hype, ingratiating exposure, a concert run, and unrealistic expectations. "Glee" is here to stay because we've declared it good with our TV eyes. But it doesn't mean it has to be good.

I don't think "Glee's" as good as it makes us believe. The show's set to expire faster than a milk carton (singing current hits was a bad idea for syndication). The characters have clear, defined weaknesses (how much more can we see the "Proud Papa" look from Mr. Schuester?). Can FOX pretend like everyone's in high school when Finn and Puck start sporting five o'clock shadow?
Unfortunately, this is where the 2010 Jets come in. Too much exposure (Hard Knocks). Too much hype. Too much Mark Sanchez (he's not great yet, and will probably sophomore slump). Too much Rex Ryan. Too much Wood-y. Too much salary. Too many good AFC teams in the mix. I want them to be good, but it stinks too much of the same ole J-E-T-S.

People of the free world, I'm so glad TV's back. Now excuse me...as I set up my DVR box for the week.

The Couch Potato Series: "Hey, Your Brother is SMART?"

Folks, I need you to be honest for a second.

When someone mentions the phrase “sports blogger”, what’s the first image that comes to mind?

(Thinking…)
(Thinking…)
YES! That’s it!

"Alec, I’ll take a fat, lazy, white guy living in his parents’ basement for $400, please!"

Since I began writing regularly four years ago, I fought hard to erase that unceremonious image from your brain. We writers are a proud group of creators who work hard to ensure that our fart jokes are done timely and properly to maximize the funny. Yeah, so what if we like to work in the basement? Everybody knows heat rises in the summertime!

However, since my return home, I’ve afraid that I might slowly become that dreaded stereotype. Granted, I’m still going out for job interviews and social outings, but I just haven’t been able to channel my inner Michael Scott to the laptop. I’ve become like Jon Favreau’s character in Swingers, only with less disposable income and more awkward phone calls.

Let’s be clear: I’m still black, thin and living in my own room. I mean, it’s tough to find the chemical reagent Mike Jackson stumbled on back in ‘83. (Too soon?) And as for the skinny, I shattered my piggy bank to buy a set of Perfect Pushups. Hopefully I’ll build up enough muscle tone to avoid constantly getting mistaken for Oscar Proud on Sixth Avenue.

The tough part about being a sports blogger right now is this: The sports landscape is DEAD during summer. I’m talking like Sinbad’s stand-up comedy career. D-E-A-D. If I hear one more sports talk radio jockey grumble about Joba Chamberlain’s need to go to the bullpen, I’m going to split their head open with a battle axe. It’s gotten repetitive, which can only lead to one thing: BOREDOM.

In a dual effort to jumpstart my creative juices and keep lactic acid from building up in my cataracts, I began to re-read my favorite posts. After looking over my "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" and "A Different World" reviews, I’d decided to resurrect my ginormous plan and alleviate these dregs of, well, summer. I think we’re due for another “Throwback” sitcom synopsis.

(Before I continue, let’s pause for this quick station identification. Simmons made a valid point concerning the death of M.J. in a recent mailbag, and I’ve just got to bring it up again. Was anyone else thinking that Michael Jackson might just hop out of his coffin at the Staples Center memorial? I did. Think about it. Michael Jackson’s provided us more memorable moments than most major sports franchises and even some developing nations. Why not top it off with the greatest histrionic performance ever? During the entire ceremony, I was hawking that coffin like it was the draft lottery envelope at the ’84 Ewing Sweepstakes. Honestly, if Mike decided to jump on stage during Lionel Richie’s solo, I wouldn’t have been totally surprised. For one, it would’ve been the best TV moment in history, and Michael Jackson was tailor-made to eviscerate the stage. It was only after they wheeled his coffee out the door that I thought to myself, Wow…he’s really gone. Just thought I’d throw that out there before diving headlong into this column. Thanks for the memories, Michael.)

“Smart Guy”: March 26, 1997 – May 16, 1999 (3 Seasons)

My Introduction: I don’t do this often, so I’d better make it count. Since BET recently decided to program re-runs of this classic series, I decided to take advantage and watch the channel. For the record, BET’s got to be the only channel that still advertises cell ringtones and lump sum payments. But to be fair, BET has done a great job of getting into the syndication game. Yes, I know I just complimented the same network that gave us the disaster dubbed the BET Awards. I will now light myself on fire. Toasty.

Promise not to laugh when you read this. There is a stark difference between “dorks” and “nerds”. And Master T.J. Henderson from Washington, D.C. was no “dork.” Heck, Smart Guy was a television show created For Nerds By Nerds, like a FUBU equivalent for young, black bookworms. This family situational comedy (or, sitcom) was centered on our hero T.J. (Tahj Mowry), the innocent tween accelerated to the tenth grade due to his capacity for higher learning. More often than not, young T.J. would be found matching his academic intellect against the street smarts of his older brother Marcus (Jason Weaver), a debonair dude more interested in smooth-talking high school honeys with his partner-in-crime Mo Tibbs (Omar Gooding). Marcus and T.J. do a great job of annoying their older sister Tasha (Essence Atkins), all while their young pops (John Marshall Jones) makes sure they stay out of trouble. Over those short seasons, this simple concept develops rapidly into an exciting comedy.

The Main Characters That Held The Show Together And Gave Danny Kallis and Suzanne De Passe Jobs (B-): Can’t really give you an honest answer to this one. The show faltered after three seasons, probably because the show was built in a limiting vacuum. Whenever you build your show around a promising child star, the cute factor inevitably comes into play. That’s why Rudy got replaced by Olivia on Cosby (even though she is drop-dead gorgeous now), why Bart and Lisa will never grow up, and why T.J.’s creative hit show had a built-in expiration date. Nothing kills the cute factor faster than a teenage face splattered with acne. Just ask Alicia Keys. Ouch.

Rising Stars (C): I’m convinced that scoring great roles in Hollywood is like trying to break in to a pick-up game of park hoops. You’ve got to establish yourself right off-bat or you’re screwed. If you don’t, your acting career can go one of two ways: Home Shopping Network or cameos. There’s no shame in pulling a Jaleel White and stacking your filmography chips with obscure episode cameos and movie one-liners. My college roommate Josh and I laughed for about an hour at Jaleel’s “Show’s Over” line in Dream Girls because those were literally the last two words Urkel spoke in the entire movie. Just. Epic. It was like a referendum on his entire career post-Matters. That, my friends, is unintentional comedy.

Anyway, the actors from “Smart Guy” never ended up making the leap. Omar Gooding had a legitimate shot to break into the rotation with his portrayal of the lifted running back D.H. in ESPN’s “Playmakers” until the NFL pulled the plug on the show. (I need to get a copy of that first season.) What’s wrong with showing professional football players doing lines of coke and anabolic steroids, NFL?
Moment the Show "Jumped the Shark": Like I mentioned earlier, Smart Guy was a show with a short shelf life. And that’s was before they changed the theme song during the show’s high popularity point. In an instant, the show stopped giving off the “Hey, there’s a 10-year-old in 10th grade! What a concept!” vibe and started moving awkwardly towards the “I guess we’re going to try and tackle mature subjects now” phase. The lesson, as always: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Sometimes, it’s that simple.

Eye Candy (B+): Before talking about this category gets more uncomfortable than a fake out-make out, I’ll drop three quick sentences and keep it moving. Whenever four out of the five showcase characters on a sitcom are men (with the “Dad” character being a widower), it’s a mortal lock that legions of hot women will be included. Once the opening credits rolled across the screen, I’d already mentally written three sure-fire scripts for the show (Dad gets back on the dating scene, Mo/Marcus fight over cute girl, T.J. falls in love with hot teacher). I’m just glad that the hot girlfriend rotation for Marcus and Mo didn’t get to unrealistic “REALLY???? Come ON!!!!” levels like Will had going on that last season of The Fresh Prince.

Theme Song (B+): I don’t think executive producers have fully realized it yet, but the best theme songs are the ones that you do a terrible job of mock-singing to yourself way after the show’s over. Smart Guy does this perfectly with the signature “He’s a Smart Guy!” line looming at the tail end of the song. Think about it. How many times did you imitate that “Shoom! Chi-chi-chi-chi-chi-CHOOM!” noise from the very beginning of the Family Matters theme? (Or, maybe it was just me. Perhaps I’ve said too much.)

Best Season (Season 2): Not too many to choose from here, but I’ve gotta go with Season 2. Better theme song (with Omar Gooding getting credit in the credits), better screenwriting, better girlfriends, better Mo, better child acting…better show.

Worst Season (Season 3): Season 3 of Smart Guy reminded me of that screwy last season of Family Matters when Urkel and Stephon both existed at the same time, old Harriet left for more loot, and the crazy experiments just moved weirdly towards science fiction levels. I mean, the show was destined to end. Young Teej was on the cusp of puberty, Yvette was on the brink of college, and Jason Weaver was ready to begin his career of one-hit wonders and black audience blockbusters. Basically put, the Smart Guy schtick had run its course.

TV.com Show Rank: 870 out of 18,234 shows. In other words, astoundingly average.

My Overall Rating (B): If I stopped and made a time capsule of stuff from middle school, I’d have to toss in a director’s cut of Smart Guy (along with a copy of Pokemon Yellow, of course). Smart Guy exists as a representation of late-90s culture, when DVD’s were just beginning to replace VHS, when cell phones were on the cusp of being affordable for everyone, and when boy bands ruled the pop charts. The Disney Channel owes Smart Guy their livelihood as a network, as the show effectively bridged the gap between their ridiculous paid-Disney Channel movement (anyone remember when they gave us one free weekend of Disney per year?) and the Even Stevens/Lizzie McGuire generation. Smart Guy, we'll never forget you. Well, at least I know Latavia and LeToya won't.

I’m just waiting patiently for Tahj Mowry to pull a Drake “Hey, Isn’t That the Guy From Degrassi?” on us and lay down some background vocals for Trick Daddy or something. Hey, you know it’s coming.
Keep enjoying the summer, everyone.

Mike Benjamin is an aspiring sports and comedy writer that hails from Queens Village, NY. You can check out more of his work at his blog, Points Off Turnovers. Make sure to start following him over at Twitter, too.)