My Dirty Little Secret

Shhh, I've got a secret.

I never shared this with anyone before. I'd rather not say, but we've been together for so long now. I feel like I can trust you. I think it's something you should know.

I hate power rankings.

I know I know…hate is such a strong word.

Power rankings are the biggest slap in the face to the sports fan. Power rankings declare your ineptitude. Power rankings take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again. Power rankings erase your brain cells and leave you walking around your office building like Gabriel from Fences. Sans pants.

During the MLB and NBA seasons, power rankings get swept underneath the rug. Why? Because everyone's too busy, uh, watching the games. Who needs some self-touted "sports expert" telling them that the Bobcats stink. We know this, man. At the very least, that's why we'd put up with the Stu Scott's BOOYAHS! in the middle of a highlight package. And even that's pulling teeth.

But, hey it's the NFL! There's SO much time between games! Surely you, erudite plebian, would like to read a column detailing your team's abject failure! What fun!

Whoopee!

Like I've said before, making a power poll is the sportswriter's Western Union. It's the fastest way to write columns worldwide. (Hey, look…a pun!) If overused, this list can (and will) slowly drag even the best writer down the treacherous road to perdition. It's our MMQ, our Simmons podcast, our way of manufacturing content juuuuust in time to make tee time at the country club. We know that 60% of the time, it works every time.

Why does it work? Well, that's easy. Power rankings create buzz. They generate controversy. They get your average American riled up and ready to talk smack by their first water break.

The bad part? Power polls divert your attention away from some great stories. Like Mike Sims-Walker – a guy who Jacksonville probably snagged for his hyphenated name – actually producing. Or Glen Coffee, whose name looks as fake as the fantasy-esque stats he's racking up for his least-coast NFC leaders. Or the implosion of the highly regarded Todd Haley, the Kansas City coach whose press conferences are bound to be Coors Light fodder by 2011.

Yeah, that's right, Arizona Cardinals! The talking heads and idiots I read in my local paper say you're only the 7^th best team in the freaking NFC. You ain't playoff material! NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU THINK!

But now that that's off my chest, I have another admission to make. I'm going to write a power poll column. (Zoinks!) I've got a lot of random stuff to unleash after a month of dormancy, and this just seems like the best way to unravel without this boring you with an entire column. Maybe I'll defend my placements…maybe I won't. It's just a freaking list column anyways.

I just hope the guys over at KSK don't catch wind of this.

Mike's POWER Rankings

(Brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and VIEWERS LIKE YOU!)

10. San Diego Chargers (2-2): Because we recently switched over to FiOS at the house, the gents that run the company gave us the Home Box Office network for A LIMITED TIME ONLY. Of course, I was giddy with anticipation. To top it off, Verizon installed their fiber optic do-dad mere days before the season premiere of Entourage. Perfect timing.

Or so I thought. I got hosed.

Every summer, there's that one movie that EVERYONE is anticipating. The movie your co-workers gossip about at your internship's water cooler. The movie that you're not going to waste on a first-date scenario. The movie you spend all summer dreaming about the stirring drama, living and dying with every commercial, adrenaline escalating with every gripping trailer. The movie you buy your ticket for way in advance, and even consider taking the day off for.

And then you get to the theater. And sit down. And realize thirty minutes in that you're really just sitting in on a nicely disguised bowl of excrement. Yuck.

Entourage felt like that to me. Adrian Grenier hasn't begun to remotely develop as an actor (i.e., he's TERRIBLE), Kevin Dillon and Jerry Ferrera are trapped in limited character models, and everything revolves too much around the little man with the melodramatic life (E) instead of the head honcho and his variable personality (Ari).

Honestly, the show left me frustrated. Cameo appearances and Hollywood girls can only hold my attention but for so long.

This year's San Diego Chargers are like that too. People seem to think that this hodgepodge of characters led by a fragile front man with tremendous upside (LT) can realize their potential…but we've read this script before. This isn't the same team. This idea's been done already.

Really, there's only one way to save both Entourage and the 2009 San Diego Chargers. Kick it up a notch. Allow Philip Rivers (Jeremy Piven) to shoulder more of the offensive burden. Exercise Darren Sproles (Jamie-Lynn Sigler) as the explosive running option. Keep Vincent Jackson (Johnny Drama) and Chris Chambers (Turtle) hungry.

And even though it may be hard, don't be afraid to cut LDT (Vincent Chase) loose. You've already put his protection (Lorenzo Neal = Eric Murphy) out to pasture. He's no worse than a wet blanket girlfriend at this point. It's for the best.

Be risky. Be self-indulgent. Be dangerous. Be everything that Norv Turner isn't.

9. San Francisco 49ers (4-1): Am I listing the Niners here in a futile attempt to reverse jinx them for the rest of the season? Yup! You guys know me too well. Sorry Tillman.

(By the way, wasn't it great seeing Mike Singletary for the first time since the Vernon Davis incident? His Coors Light mock conference can't come fast enough.)

THOSE EYES! NOW THEY'RE IN HD! AHHHH!!!!

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (3-2): They're the defending champs. It's wayyyyyyyy too early to count them out.

(I'm embarrassed to say this, but I'll be honest: I caved and started listening to Christmas music last week. My first song? Wham's "Last Christmas".

"Laaaaaaaast Christmas, I gave you mah heart but the VERY NEXT DAYYYYY…you gave it ahhhwayyy (you gave it aw-hhayy). THIS YEAR, to SAVE ME FROM TEARS, I'll give it to sum-one spe-cialllllllllllllll (specialllllllllllll)."

How can you resist listening to this song? There's enough unintentional comedy here to keep Craig Kilborn relevant for years. Wait, he's not on TV anymore?)

7. Baltimore Ravens (3-2): Last weekend, I went to one of those sanctioned LSAC law school fairs thingies in Manhattan. (By the way, it’s so weird to hunt for information about college after graduating. I’m officially the awkward old guy at the frat party. Ewww.)

Anyway, I saw a friend of mine strolling the corridors for university brochures. Of course, it was a young lady (a shrty in the vernacular, so to speak). We had a brief conversation, one of those “How’s school now that I’M not there?” (polite chuckle) dialogues, and I found myself just STARING at her face. I was absolutely mystified by how beautiful and intelligent she was.

It only took six months, but I totally forgot how mesmerizing a Howard Woman can be. Yeah, there are oodles of fine women out there…but I’m not talking from the perspective of a slobbering buffoon. (You know that’s not my style.) Howard women (and the rare, stable New York girl that I HAVEN’T FOUND YET) just have this intrinsic quality that insulates them from outside ignorance. They have such unique perspective on their world and the global community. This aura surrounding them seems kind of majestic, almost regal.

I was blown away. I felt like one of the mechanics from “Uptown Girl”.

(In other words, I need to find a wife like THAT. Period.)

6. Cincinnati Bengals (4-1)

Wowwe-wow-wow! I can't wait to see their epic road victory this week on NFL Network. Who knew that a team from Ohio could actually be GOOD? Of course, that means they're a historic collapse away from becoming a Jay Leno punch line:

"Did you hear about the Cincinnati Bengals collapse last week? Yeah, they were 4 and 1 early on and fell rrrrr-right outta contention.

(Makes sweeping gesture with right hand)

That's a darn shame. A DAMN shame. Fell faster than Conan's numbers after I moved my (expletive) to ten o'clock!"

(OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!1111!!!!111!!!)

5. Denver Broncos (5-0): I'm gonna stick them here. I refuse to believe that the Broncos are this good. I almost fainted when I heard Bob Costas say that Kyle Orton was better than Tom Brady.

Wait, WHAT? It's Kyle Orton! From Perdue! With the neck-beard! He's killing fantasy teams left and right! He's this generation's Trent Dilfer!

(Wait, Dilfer retired two years ago? Oops. My bad.)

4. Indianapolis Colts (5-0): Is it possible that after all this time, Peyton Manning's having his first eff-you season? Think about it. He's coming off one of his worst years. His long-time coach handed over the reins to a rook. His favorite target (Marvin Harrison) is cracking chrome domes in Philly, and his replacement receiver (Gonzo) is done indefinitely. They barely beat a very bad Jaguars team. Everyone writes them off. Enter 2009 football season.

Four weeks later, the elder Manning is seen polishing off his Offensive Player of the Month trophy. Coincidence? I think not. This team is GOOD.

3. New Orleans Saints (4-0)
They're the first team to make my boy Mark ("Ohmygodohmygodohmygod, did YOU know that Mark Sanchez is considered to be physically attractive? OOOOooooo!!!") Sanchez look human. Of course in the NFC, that makes you legit.


(Since I started writing these "notes" (which eventually found solace in my blog), I've gotten immense respect from you guys in regards to my writing talent. I am so humbled. Trust me, I appreciate the encouragement and appreciation. But one of the realest sentences I've ever read came from my dude Jarrett Freeman, who put together this masterpiece in his Facebook status:


"I remember when getting high meant swinging at the playgrounds, the worst thing you could get from a girl were cooties, race issues were who could run the fastest, life was so simple and carefree, but the thing I remember most was wanting to grow up."

Wow. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat's great. Remember when (insert sentimental moment)?

Time moves FAST.

2. Minnesota Vikings (5-0) This has got to be the worse time to be a Packers fan. I mean, after Brett's egregious display of fist-pumping with a total disregard for human life, there's no love lost now. I'd feel like Michael Corleone from Godfather II:

"I know it was you Brett. You broke my heart. You broke my heart."
In related news, Vlad Masters has agreed in principle to buy the Green Bay Packers from the state of Wisconsin.

(Wait, this just in…yup, it's confirmed. That last joke just went over everyone's head. Awwwwwwesommmme.)

1. New York Giants (5-0):
Everything rests on Elisha's heels. Literally.

(By the way…I've heard the belly-aching from the twelve Twins fans and the eighteen zillion Yankee haters over the last few days, so it's time for clear the air right quick.


Sure, I'll admit it: The Minnesota Twins got totally jobbed on Friday night. The ump completely missed the call even though it was inside the foul line by a CLEAR TWO FEET, and that fissure derailed the Twins hopes of winning the series. It's the Jeffrey Maier incident all over again.

However, I can't justify a single call dashing a team's dreams. I mean, Joe Nathan (easily one of the best closers this decade not named Mariano Rivera) allowed the anti-clutch A-Roid to yam a homer after Nick Blackburn (WHO?) held us to one-run ball. Carlos Gomez overran second and got thrown out. Plus, Jason Kubel, the man who filled in for injured slugger Justin Mourneau, went 1-14 for the series – striking out eleven times in total.

Yes, you read that correctly. ELEVEN TIMES.

When your cleanup hitter's is batting a beautiful .071 with eleven K's, you're not winning the series. Just ask A-Rod. He knows what I'm talking about.

(Yes, I refuse to mention that Alex Rodriguez has gotten ultra clutch over the last three games. I'd rather keep being surprised by his awesomeness. This way, I won't get my heart broken (if/when?) he chokes in a big spot. Again.)
-----------------------------------------------------
So, there you go. With over 2,000 words in the books, I think I'll shut up now.

Well, actually there's one more thing.

Barack Obama!

(Remember, it's not an article written by a black guy until he's mentioned.)

Got to LOVE post-racial America.

Michael Benjamin, II

"They Are Who We Thought They Were!" - Part 1

(Editor's Note: This blog was first published at Facebook.com, where the author had previously been posting his blog notes and such.)

Yes, I know already. I've been slacking on my Facebook "note" game.

Maybe it's because Facebook doesn't let me tag all of my friends and classmates to these creations even though someone can make an "event" or "group" and tag everyone. Maybe because I'm busy trying to holla at girls having a really, REALLY tiring junior year.

Or maybe it's because I'm just a lazy schnuck.

Whatever the case, a ton of people have been on my case to write-up a new Facebook note for their enjoyment. I've even got people scrounging my Profile page for quotes and ancedotes, as evidenced by one O. Chris, a big-time Falcons fan and overall enthusiast of my notes:

"Let me just first say that in reference to your Quotes, Michael Vick is/was a good QB. But, now for the real reason that I came here: I feel compelled to share this with someone and you seem the most appropriate. This is probably going to change, but as of now (Week 5), I think my picks for the last two weeks of the NFL season are as follows..."

After I finished reading O.Chris' lengthy wall post that was capped off by his prediction of a Packers/Patriots Super Bowl (a rematch of the 1995 season that had Bledsoe and Parcells pitted against Favre and the incomparable Reggie White in their primes), I realized that I've never made any predictions for this NFL season. Why not break out the Power Rankings capped off by my Super Bowl prediction in this Facebook "note" as a little warm-up for my school year of blog writing?

(Note: I really should take the time to expound on the MLB Playoffs and lament about the eventual end to the Yankees dynasty and Joe Torre's career. However, I realize that no one (except the Red Sox fans that will gloat at our expense) would care. Howard University is such a football-heavy school (even though our games stay empty), which makes it tough to embrace other sports on this campus. Plus, it looks like the Red Sox are about to take another title...so I'll pass on the hyperbole. If you wanna hear more about baseball and the playoffs in general, listen to the guys at this radio station.

The categories are in honor of the innovative Coors' Light commercials and their coaches; Dennis Green, Jim Mora, Mike Ditka, Dick Vermeil, Bill Parcells. No matter how many times NBC, FOX, and CBS shove these commercials down our throats, I will always enjoy a hearty LOL at your expense. Just keep pumping out the stupid quotes fellas.

Jim Mora- "I just hope we can win a game!"

32. Buffalo Bills (1-3): Looking at this Bills team this season, you had to believe that this was a team that from the outset of this season was destined for failure. Their superstar running back (McGahee) abandoned them for better pasture (Ravens), their quarterback controversy involved a washed-up QB and a unproven rookie (Losman/Edwards), and their only deep threat (Lee Evans) now draws double teams every game, making his fantasy value plummet faster than George Bush's approval ratings. Plus, their coach is Dick Jauron...the same guy who though Jim Miller would be the answer at QB for the Bears a few seasons back. (Guess that didn't work out too well...)

31. New York Jets (1-4): I'll be the first Jet fan to admit that we got fortunate with some W's last season. Two years ago, the Jets had the 4th worst record in football, and was rewarded with a last place schedule las year (playing the Raiders in Week 17). Plus, our rookie OL's (D'Brickshaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold) played lights out, allowing Chad to sit back and dump off passes untouched, and made guys like Leon Washington and Kevan Barlow look like stars. There HAD to be a dropoff, and without a vertical passing game, our goose is as good as cooked.


30. New Orleans Saints (0-4): As America watched the U.S. Saints march on after the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina and sprint behind the wheels of Reginald Bush to the NFC Championship, I wondered aloudl while sipping on a great Checkers milkshake: "Can this team do it again next year?" How can I, a guy that witnessed a resurgence of Drew Brees, as a Pro-Bowl QB leading a dynamite offense (on turf no less)? I was concerned because I didn’t know the name of ANYONE on the Saints defense. The Saints front seven is filled with unknowns that were swept down the Mississippi to revive their careers in the bayou, and Sean Payton has the audacity to continue starting Jason David at cornerback after the whipping Reggie Wayne gave him on national TV in the Week 1 rout. It’s going to be a long season for the Cajuns down under.

29. Miami Dolphins (0-5): Aging, Mediocre QB + an Aging, Overrated D= 4-12 season. They just let Kris Brown beat them with a 52-yarder at the buzzer and Daunte Culpepper get his roll on with 5 TD the week before. Let the John Beck era begin!
(Since I’ve already mentioned the other 3 teams in the AFC East…I believe we can go ahead and hand the Pats the division again this year…)

28. Kansas City Chiefs (2-3): I know there are some teams that have worse records that these guys, but let’s step back and put this squad under the electron microscope for a sec. Brodie Croyle is their guy under center…who was trash in Alabama at QB. Larry Johnson continues to receive death threats from a ton of fantasy owners for his 20 yard performances. Dwayne Bowe returned to obscurity after his breakout game against Norv! and the Chargers. Herm Edwards is still the worst coach when it comes to winning the big games because he can’t manage the clock. (Thanks for the 4th round draft pick Chiefs.) This team just finished being murdered by Jacksonville (a sleeper team at 3-1) at Arrowhead, and need to dig into Lamar Hunt’s grave for a new fighting spirit…or some great draft picks in 2008.

Jim Mora "Playoffs? Don’t talk about playoffs! Playoffs?"

27. St. Louis Rams (0-5): It’s a shame that we have to watch yet another wide receiver (Issac Bruce) slowly erode his legacy as one of the leaders of the “Greatest Show on Turf” by playing down-after-down in this mistake of a franchise. I placed the Rams in this bracket instead of squeezing them in with the five teams that preceded it because I really felt that the Rams would have a serious shot at competing for a playoff spot in their division. The NFC West has no true team that will flat out dominate that division. However, the key to the Rams’ demise lieth in the presence of two elements: The double-white guy system at QB & RB. No offense…but once I saw Brian Leonard lace up his Reebok cleats on the sidelines to replace Steve Jackson, I knew that the fat lady had just sang her last note.

26. Oakland Raiders (2-2)
Once again, Lane Kiffin tries to be the answer in Oakland as the youngest coach to ever lead an NFL team. In a division where taking a bye week makes a team look great by comparison, it’s hard for me to find a spot for this team. I’ll once again roll back to the QB issues (Cade McNown, Culpepper). Even though Daunte scored 5TD’s against the Dolphins two weeks ago, he only put up 100 yards passing. Either of these guys just spells failure in my book.

24a. Minnesota Vikings
24b. San Francisco 49ers

Face it, you’re looking at two teams that are spitting images of one another. Here’s the checklist:
Above-Average Defenses? [CHECK]
Potentially Devastating Running Attack? [CHECK}
Young Receivers That Need Time to Develop? [CHECK]
Coach that Wears Pen in Ear at all Times While on Sideline? [CHECK]
Terrible, Terrible QB’s destined to kill this team down the stretch in every big game? [CHECK]

If they didn’t have such terrible offenses that will allow teams to stack the line on every single down, I would pick these guys in a heartbeat to be in the hunt. However, I have no faith in Tavaris Jackson, Trent Dilfer, Alex Smith, or Brooks Bollinger.

23. Atlanta Falcons (1-4): I really thought the Falcons had a chance to shake up the division this year. Even ESPN.com’s Bill Simmons picked these guys to be the next recipients of his Ewing Theory …whatever that means. Bobby Petrino got a huge break, avoiding having to create an entirely new offensive system for Michael Vick and getting the luxury of having a built-in guy ready to take the blame for his mistakes (Joey Harrington). The defense, while losing top DE Patrick Kerney to the Seahawks, still isn’t terrible and I felt that the ground attack of Dunn/Norwood would carry these guys to at least a respectable 8-8 season. Things went according to plan - Joey came alive in Petrino’s new system and Roddy White learned how to catch passes in the offseason. Unfortunately after the meltdown of meathead DeAngelo Hall in the Carolina game and Petrino’s quick trigger with Joey in Tennessee yesterday, going instead with the inept Leftwich to try and tie the game up in Music City…I started hearing the sounds of an eventual implosion. Why pull Joey after he’s proven to be a solid QB so far this season? (A first for Mr. Harrington) Why bring in the slowest black QB ever, a guy with a completion percentage lower than the freezing point in Fahrenheit?
(Out goes confidence at the QB spot…now enters controversy and team suicide…)

22. Cleveland Browns (2-3): Simply put, if this team was in the NFC, they would be looking at a serious chance at the postseason. Romeo Crennel has finally gotten to a point where the Browns will beat the teams they should beat, and get emasculated by the teams they are supposed to lose to. Since the AFC is just way too stacked with great talent, I figure we’ll see this Mike Martz-led team make waves next season.

Bill Walsh- "I don’t believe I can segregate the two."

20a. Denver Broncos (2-3)
20b. San Diego Chargers (2-3)

Just as Bill Walsh couldn’t separate Coors Light from the definition of cold refreshment, I have also failed in separating this Denver Broncos squad from the sputtering Super Chargers, especially after their collapse at Mile High yesterday afternoon. Denver’s clearly got the better leader (Shanahan), but has failed to stop teams from running the ball up and down the field. San Diego’s defensive front seven is one of the better units in football, the offense holds League MVP Ladainian Tomlinson (LT) in the backfield, but this team lacks a solid leader, a face that the players can rely upon for stability and growth. Norv Turner is a great offensive coordinator but terrible as a head coach (Dallas, Miami, Oakland, San Diego). This lack of efficiency on both teams leaves the AFC West wide open for the taking, with any team in the division able to grab the reins.

Dennis Green- "…and we let ‘em off the hook!”

19. Cincinnati Bengals (1-4): The Bengals remind me of the Colts’ during the Jim Mora era. Peyton Manning and the crew would throw up an insane amount of offense, but their defense was so ridiculously terrible that they would end up having a lot of 9-7, 10-6, and 8-8 finishes. It’s funny that the Bengals team is crafted this way because the front office hired Marvin Lewis FIVE YEARS AGO to fix the problem on that side of the ball. We all know the weapons that the Bengals have in their storehouse (T.J. Houshmanzadeh, Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco) on the offense side. I believe that this Bengal O is good enough to carry this team to a respectable season. However, I don’t think that Marvin Lewis will be around long enough to see his long term plan grow to fruition. Bill Cowher’s going to have a lot of coaching options once he makes the decision to come back next season.

Denny Green- "Everybody has a chance to get their bite of the apple."

16a. Detroit Lions (3-2)
16b. Philadelphia Eagles (1-3)
16c. Carolina Panthers (3-2)

Looking at the NFC landscape at this point, we have only one solid contender (Dallas), leaving the rest of the conference entirely up for grabs. Setting aside the two shaky division leaders (Tampa Bay and Seattle) and one division that’s totally up for grabs (NFC North), we’ve got an insane amount of teams that can slide into the two wild card spots. Carolina, Philly, and Detroit have a great chance at squeezing underneath the playoff door because they:
a. Have weak schedules because of last year’s fallacies.
b. Have strong, game-changers at the speciality positions. (QB, RB, WR)
c. Are all in the NFC. (Obviously…)

Mike Ditka: "I don’t believe in living in the past. The past is for cowards."

15. New York Giants (3-2): Eli Manning is playing football like a new boy man. He’s leading this Giants team past the short-sighted expectations of newspapers, magazines, and the talking heads on NFL Network. However, the resurgence of this Giant team isn’t to be credited primarily to Eli’s growth as a competent quarterback in the Big Apple. From Osi Umeyniora’s six sack performance on Sunday Night Football against Philly to Aaron Ross’ second-half spectacular in the Meadowlands, we have seen an energized take the cake.

14a. Green Bay Packers (4-1)
14b. Chicago Bears (2-3): Sunday Night was a great matchup between the two top teams of the last 5-10 years in the NFC North. While Brett Favre continues to dispel the myths of his inevitable retirement by looking like a Tony Romo clone with Green Bay’s short passing game (a change in gameplay that even I doubted ), the Bears – with a decisive win at Lambeau – have still shown why they remain the class of the division. (Also, the interception that Favre forced across the field late in the 3rd Quarter might be a taste of what’s to come up in the chesse state.)


(Check out the rest of the Power Poll in Part 2!!!)