Hello. My name is M.B. It's been five months since my last confession.
Life was simpler back then. I was giving tours in the grays at 30 Rock to despondent tourists, sweating profusely through the wrinkle-free fabric. It was busy season, but something became more important to me than monitoring my sweat glands.
Basketball season was reaching its climax.
She was so frisky back then, tantalizing me and keeping me up late at night. The self-proclaimed King was getting dethroned by the same rube that tore his knee on a dunk after the play ended (Tony Allen). Kobe was scorching the nets in epic fashion against a matador Suns defense. Rondo was doing things I hadn't seen since Scottie and J-Kidd in his prime. And Sheed was being Sheed.
Those were good days.
I've sinned much since then. First, I cheated on her with the melodramatic American pastime (baseball), then moved on to her hotter, older sister (NFL). A man has needs, after all.
Heck, her brother almost forced his way on to me (WNBA)...but homie don't play that.
Truth be told, I'm a hoops head at heart. I've missed you so much, basketball.
Basketball, I've committed to this thing for the long haul. To prove it, I've written my season previews about you with the help of my IPod shuffle. Let's see what happens.
Gulp.
Miami Heat - Wale's "Beautiful Bliss"
Great weather, good food, gorgeous women, glorious living. Before last summer's hurricane washed Lebron James on the Miami coastline (like Elian Gonzalez!), you could argue that the citizens of Miami already lived in a state of bliss. Now, with the King flanked by a sure-fire HOFer and a perennial All-Star (Wade, Bosh), we can add another adjective to an already blessed existence: beautiful bliss.
Will this Heat team with a title? Eh, I really don't think Miami fans care. They'll be just fine enjoying the ride.
Boston Celtics - LL Cool J's "I'm Gonna Knock You Out"
"Don't call it a comeback!"
The first words of LL's first verse were directed at the detractors (read: HATERS) in the game who wrote the sultan of swag off well before his time. To be fair, LL went on to lift weights and make TV shows (In the House) and films (Deep Blue Sea)...so they had reason to doubt. But...after 13 studio albums, two Grammy nods, and a place in the Long Island Music HOF...we have to agree. Ladies loved Cool James.
Hey, I ain't gon' lie...I totally wrote the C's off last year. Sheed looked like he hadn't done a wind sprint in years, Ray-Ray couldn't buy a basket, and Scalabrine was getting minutes. But they proved me wrong. They owned Dwight one-on-one and took Kobe to seven.
We have to agree. Fellas love the Big Five. (Pause?)
Orlando Magic - D.A. T.R.U.T.H.'s "Star Struck"
Remember last summer? When Kobe went to work out with The Dream?
How'd that turn out? If you haven't watched this clip yet, I'd encourage you to do so. I promise it's not a Rick Roll.
Wait, is that Dwight Howard? Learning post-moves? From Hakeem Olajuwon? Color me finally.
For the record, I've been screaming at Dwight to work with Hakeem for YEARS. I love me some Ewing, but he don't compare. Period.)
Cleveland Cavaliers - Immature's "Please Don't Go"
"Why didn't you tell me? He was my BEST friend."
Awww. Shades of a weeping Roger (er, Jason Weaver) by the bedside of his mom. I have nothing else to say. Cleveland's going to be poo this year. At least you'll still have Mo Williams! (#sarcasm)
Here's, the starting lineup: Mo-Anthony Parker-Moon-Jamison-Varejao. Eek.
Toronto Raptors - Mint Condition's "Breakin' My Heart"
This is Reason Number #1 why the Nuggets better trade Melo before the season's up. Stupidly, the Raptors let an All-Star player walk for nada...and they've got Bargnani as their 2010 star attraction. I doubt SportsCenter bothers to show a highlight of him this year.
Take note, Nuggets. Sometimes, if the only deal for your franchise guy nets you 30 cents on the dollar, you've GOT to take it. Superstars run the show in today's NBA.
(Yup, I shoehorned Mint Condition in here for my own selfish reasons. I've always been incredibly attracted to the brown-eyed babe with the Malcolm X cap from the music video. If I find a 20-30 year old equivalent gal with some sense, I'd immediately take myself off the market.)
New Jersey Nets - Birdman's "Money To Blow"
Funniest subplot of the summer: Watching all the teams last summer that lost out on big-ticket free agents scramble to reach the salary minimum by overpaying mediocre guys. Jordan Farmar? Here's 12 million for 3 years! Troy Murphy? We'll gladly take his 12 million dollars!
For all the money Russian Cuban has to blow, it's great to see him spending it lavishly on the pu-pu platter of Summer 2010. Eventually, once his Nyets move to Brooklyn, we'll see Prochorov drop some Benjamins on worthwhile guys. Blake Griffin...here's looking at you kid.
Philadelphia 76ers - CC Music Factory's "Everybody Dance Now"
Yada, yada, yada. Whenever anyone talks about this jam, I always hear the argument about the fat lady who sang the hook gets NO love in the music video. Big girls need love too...I get it. But wasn't this supposed to be a workout video? Geez Louis.
Skip it. I wanna focus on Freedom Williams, a guy who's career should've
taken off after dropping a smooth 16 bars twice on the single. What happened? Did he not hook up with the right producers? Did he want too much green? Why didn't he strike while the iron was hot?Evan "The Villain" Turner is all too similar to Freedom's style, too. He got hot at the right time, hit some big shots, proved his worth as a top-five guy...and then, disappeared. I haven't heard one story about him bringing it in practice, or cleaning up a second-string laden summer league team. For a jack-of-all-trades PG, it really looks like he's a master of none.
The career of Freedom Williams will always remain a mystery to me.
Unfortunately, so will Evan Turner's if he doesn't show up soon.
Charlotte Bobcats - Will Smith's "Freakin' It"
When hip-hop peaked in the late 90's, there was a brief time where anything went. We had rap groups spitting tracks over jazz beats, rappers singing (Eminem), even guys taking on full movie roles with varying success. Some of it was great...and some of it was AWFUL.
Enter Will Smith, he of the "Jiggy" fame and "Bad Boys" success. I remember getting geeked for "Wild Wild West", seeing that movie implode, and then listening to "Freakin' It." Hey God, can I get a mulligan on age 12, day 67?
The album confused me. Weren't MC Lyte and Jazzy Jeff prominently involved? Can't we consider Dru Hill, Biz Markie, and young Lil' Kim a murder's row of talent? I've could've sworn Tatiyana Ali was good on that episode of The Fresh Prince!
This is the story of the 2010 B.O.B.C.A.T.S. Name recognition? HERE. Freaks and geeks? HERE. Hall of Fame head coach? HERE. Eager owner? HERE.
Successful season? ABSENT.
Milwaukee Bucks - Emily King's "Walk in My Shoes"A sneaky good song goes out to a sneaky talented squad NO one's talking about. The Bucks stole Corey Maggette from Golden State, resigned Salmons for cheap, still have Scott Skiles, and get Andrew Bogut back from the freak leg injury that kept them from taking it to Atlanta last year.
Plus, Brandon Jennings is only gonna get better. You watch.
Indiana Pacers - Fabolous's "Breathe"Breathe....and GO.
Who's on this team? What happened to Danny Granger this summer? Why does everyone have bad stories about him from Turkey? Where's the parquet floor from the old Market Square Arena? Why does Reggie Miller own so many Kodak cameras?
TOO MANY STIFF WHITE GUYS! TOO MANY MEDIOCRE PLAYERS!
(/head explodes)
Detroit Pistons - Clipse's "I'm Good"
When did we decide that Joe Dumars was a good GM? He passed on a slam-dunk (Melo) for an unproven Euro, which most forget because his squad stole a championship from LA. He overpaid Rip Hamilton, and then traded his buddy for an A.I. rental. And when they could've easily outbid Utah in the great Al Jefferson heist (Tayshawn + a #1 pick?), Joe decided that he was good.
Really? Who's going to rebound for this team? Who's gonna hustle now that Jerebko ripped his Achilles? Who's the first option on a swing-heavy squad? And for the love of God, is Tracy McGrady going to play more than 10 games? This looks like a train wreck waiting to happen.
Chicago Bulls - Lecrae's "Take Me As I Am"
Derrick Rose was disrespected. We assumed LBJ or Wade would scramble to redefine Jordan's Windy City, take the reins from the kid and make D-Rose a facilatator to their greatness. We didn't care about the fact that D-Rose played his heart out as to go-to player all year. We saw an opportunity to play the GM game and couldn't resist. And he wasn't having it.
After we saw him submarine LBJ's wishes for Chi-town and send Wade packing for sunnier skies, one thing was clear. The Bulls were D-Rose's team, and any newbie with intentions would have to understand and accept D-Rose's place as de-facto leader.
That's why Booz is perfect. He blew it with Lebron back in the early days, and knows it. Boozer understands who he is. He's not as good as Wade or LBJ; heck, he may not be better than Bosh, either. Boozer's seen it all though, and can help Rose mature into a great guard with a great coach (Thibodeau) as mentor.
He was an "as-is" bargain. And a worthy one, at that.
Washington Wizards - Justin Bieber's "Baby"
The song I'm embarrased to say I had in my favorites (for my tour route jokes, I swear!) goes out to that frisky Wizards team. You see, I've been making fun of Jay Bieber for a while now, but here's the thing: His career has wings. With the unprecedented amount of success Justin rolled out (even Aaron Carter didn't reach these levels) and a dearth of artists reaching out to tweens, Bieber can clean up an entire generation. Justin Bieber will have current 12-16 year olds following his career like we did with Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears.
Interestingly, Wall AND Arenas have both reached the same plateau this year (Wall for his upside, Gil for his crazy). But, will Arenas decrease so that Wall can increase? We'll know by Christmas if his ego can handle the demotion.
At the very least, Bieber's got a part in "DreamGirls: Redux" locked up. For sure.(Side Note: I'm still bitter at Eddie Murphy for doing "Norbit." Cost him an Oscar.)
Interestingly, Wall AND Arenas have both reached the same plateau this year (Wall for his upside, Gil for his crazy). But, will Arenas decrease so that Wall can increase? We'll know by Christmas if his ego can handle the demotion.
At the very least, Bieber's got a part in "DreamGirls: Redux" locked up. For sure.(Side Note: I'm still bitter at Eddie Murphy for doing "Norbit." Cost him an Oscar.)
Atlanta Hawks - Kari Jobe's "Revelation Song"
"Joe Johnson, it's about time someone told you, man. YOU'RE AWFUL AT ISO BALL. You freeze out your teammates, catch the ball in bad position, and shoot way too many fadeaways."
"Good thing no one's watching your games! I kid, I kid!"
"Wait...we gave you $124 million dollars?"
New York Knicks - Notorious B.I.G.'s "Juicy"
(To think...this was all a dream last year...)
"Welcome
"I hope I'm not being brash, but I need three things from you, Amare; (1) carry over your preseason point totals to the regular season, (2) grab rebounds and look menacing on D, and (3) lure Melo here by Summer 2011!"
"Thanks for playing. I hear there's a great Thai restaurant in Hell's Kitchen!"
(I've missed you sooo much, basketball. That's why I've got a second part to this post for you. Let me take your jacket. Would you like a beverage while you wait?)
Every year it's the same thing. You've got your bevy of pre-pregame shows, with talking heads spewing opinions and overused rhetoric faster than a Republican senator at a press conference. We get new ways to present old matchups, new angles for our superstar stories, new prose to decipher Peyton's facial expressions, and a new Pentagon-sized brief on Mr. Irrelevant. It's really a case of Project Overload. 
But then…Manning happens. And Brees happens. And Reggie Wayne realizing he's not Marvin happens. And Garrett Hartley being clutch happens. And then…the inevitable happens. Pizza pie and chocolate cake take a backseat to the study of QB ratings and the 4-3 defense. I find a way to entertain myself while submerged in the fracas. I just can't help myself.
