Monday, December 27, 2010

Kamikaze Pilots

This year, I finally got what I wanted for Christmas.


The New York Knicks were cruising past the Bulls, save a few Derrick Rose highlights, and I was getting more feeeback about this unforeseen dominance than "Merry Christmas!!1!!!11!1!" mass texts. I'll like to pretend I was gracious in accepting this praise, knowing that we're bound to kiss this goodbye with a quick first-round exit, but I was more giddy than a fat chick in her prom dress. Finally, the world was taking notice.

I have noticed, however, the desire from fans, from Weehawken to Wyoming, to join forces with the orange-and-blue, to become bandwagon Knicks fans. You didn't have to tell me. I've seen the discreditable tweets, the overjoyed Facebook status (Knicks for the C-SHIP!), and jerseys. UGH.

As I told my friend "Bay Rignall" (name has been changed to protect the innocent), these Knicks (as currently constructed) is the lady friend you KNOW is bad news. She's got a history of heartbreaks (see: 2001-2009), but...she's inventive. And attractive. Always has been. When she's ON, she makes your best friends jealous. But, as the long-term boyfriend (Knicks fans), you KNOW she's got too much baggage to overcome. This season, you're just banking that the sex is good and the hope that this time she'll be able to exorcise her demons.

It's OK to jump on our bandwagon, really. I could use the company. But I've been around the block, too much that I care to admit. I've been with the Knicks during her rehab years and I know how things can trend negative. I'm being overly protective because I know, first-hand, the damage she can do.

But when life is is GOOD.
Real talk, once you hop on the Knicks bandwagon, it's hard to hop off. So, consider my Guide to Sports Bandwagoning as an olive branch, a courtesy warning you of the perils of fandom before the full commitment. (GASP!)

Wish I hadn't used the "C" word there.

OPTION #1. Don't get emotionally invested.
It's easy to get swooned by the fanfare and celebrity of our team. I mean, Drake AND The Hot Judge from Top Chef are staples at our home games now. Remain calm. Try to appreciate the team's success like one appreciates the Met. Mitigate your highs and lows. This way, when we can hedge your feelings as the simple connisseur.

In other words, make us your booty call.
OPTION #2: Be continuously negative and condescending.
For those of you already good at tearing people down and spreading negativity, you know what to do. If you don't, no worries. Say things like, "You KNOW we'll struggle against teams that can rebound!", "Did you Lebron/Wade/Bosh have won 10+ games STRAIGHT?", and "Why does Mike D. play Raymond Felton SO MANY MINUTES?!?!" This way, when we can yell the phrase "I TOLD YOU SO!" in the unquiet darkness with utter disregard for your reputation.

In other words, be a New York Yankee fan.

OPTION #3: Invest your love. But be warned.
This rule goes out to all the people who don't know how to live a single life, who jump from relationship to relationship without considering the erosion that takes place. These are the people that wake up one day spouting untruths like "College basketball is WAY better than the NBA!" and forget how they got there. You just attach and re-attach your love to different bodies, to beat back that looming season of loneliness.

If this sounds like you, I'd reconsider becoming a Knicks fan. We will rope you in for the long haul. Too many layers, too much love to share.

In other words, just be a Miami Heat fan.
OPTION #4: Commit. Marry the New York Knicks already.
Listen, if you're looking for the perfect team, guess what? YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT. You'll always find some chink in the armor, some ill-gotten gain, some irregularity (Knicks DON'T play good defense) that'll drive you CRAZY.

Then, there are those seemingly insignificant things that'll tickle your fancy. Like the fact that Landry Fields leads NBA guards in rebounding. Or, that Amar'e declared himself Jewish (probably to curry favor with Madison Avenue). Or, Wil Chandler's improved pull-up game. They may have not been the attributes that attracted you to the Knicks this Christmas (DID YOU SEE THAT AMAR'E JAM!), but they exist.

And they'll keep you a diehard Knicks fan, for richer or poorer.
(M.B., II)

1 comment:

  1. First of all, college basketball IS better than the NBA (spoken by a true Grizzlies fan). Secondly, I cannot wait until you guys play some real comp and Amare's swiss cheese defense is exposed. Thirdly ... excellent post my friend, but no surprise there.