Saturday, July 10, 2010

Burn Notice

Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.

I'm trying to live by words like these.

I caught this one from a wise man I know, and added it to my personal repetoire. Don't cry over spilled milk. What's in the past, is in the past. The heart of a fool proclaims foolishness. That sorta stuff.

I watched The Decision from my job. The white walled interior reflected my visage as the self-proclaimed King made his announcement. My initial reaction was to snap a chair over my knee like Bam Bam Bigelow, but I wanted to remain gainfully employed. Kind of a big deal.
Instead, I traveled to a comedy show and laughed LOUDLY. I was miserable.

People have been asking/txting/postal mailing me since Thursday, begging me to give commentary about the LeBacle. But as Jigga Man once said...what more can I say? Lebron treated Cleveland like the townspeople in Friday Night Lights treated Jason Street after he broke his vertebrae. I had to hold off the writing for 48 hours to avoid mutating into Dan Gilbert and breaking out the Comic Sans font.

(Friday Night Lights is a GREAT show, for the record. And it's on Netflix's Instant Watch! Hooray! #companyman)

My rant is going to be quick and painless (at least for the non-Cleveland fans). After I write this, I'm done with the Lebron talk. I'm going to try my hardest to avoid mentioning the word Lebron for ANOTHER 48 hours. Bienvenido a Miami, jerk.

Whenever you can shoehorn Will Smith into a post, you've got to do it.

1. Joe Johnson ended up winning of the LeBron sweepstakes.
Funny how the highest-paid player in the National Basketball Association is a guy that couldn't even get his team out of the second round. That deal's going to be a bigger albatross than Gilbert's contract in two years. Maybe I should've just skipped SAT prep classes to work on my handle after all.

The seventeen Hawks fans have got to be PISSED that he got this much cheese. Welp. Enjoy your second round exits.
2. Lebron can never be the G.O.A.T.
When LeBron made his choice at 8:00am EST on Thursday as he claimed (yeah right), he was choosing between the Red Pill or the Blue Pill:

Red Pill: Establish myself as a global icon, in a brand-new city of my choice (New York, Chicago, Los Angeles), while dually making a legit case for the G.O.A.T. Shoot for the moon, young LeBron. If I miss, big deal. I'll be loved by that city, revered and probably get my jersey retired once I'm done playing.

Blue Pill: Live the Vincent Chase (Entourage) life. Take an easy supporting cast role alongside Dwayne Wade (Aquaman), party and carouse with muchas chicas and my brosephs during the season, live tax-free, and play hard about 65% of the regular season (which is about 10-15 games too long, anyway). However, I'll live in Wade's shadow, never get a crack at the G.O.A.T. argument, and get lumped into the annals of time with guys like Adrian Dantley and David Robinson.

I'm surprised he took the Miami route. I'm even more suprised he dissed his state, thinking he'd be able to live there in the offseason. Yeah right. Prepare for bags of fecal matter on your porch, dude.

Plus, if he cares so much about his brand...why would he squash the only thing that will hold weight once he hangs up the jock strap? The reason Jordan's still HUGE is because his legacy and merchandise reach far beyond his game. We see images of MJ in the red Chicago #23, we wear his matching Air sneakers, and make him relevant as time whizzes past. Who's going to be wearing a #23 or #6 jersey in twenty years?
3. Kobe is about to win The Argument.
My dude Carrington (Kobe fan) brought up a great point on my Facebook "wall" yesterday, and he's right. What happens if the Video Game Dream Team smacks Kobe in the mouth next year to take the title? Kinda ruins Kobe's run, right? WRONG.

Think about it the other way. Kobe's playing with house money. Suddenly, the defending champs are expected to lose. (When has that ever happened?) If Kobe beats the VGDT...he enters rarified air. Instant Top Five All Time. Suddenly, he's making a case for the G.O.A.T., and everyone's rooting for him because of this fresh Lebron hate. Perfect scenario for the Mamba, and he didn't even do anything. While Lebron and Wade are taking pictures with wannabes on South Beach, I'd bet MONEY Kobe's lifting weights with guys as big as Guile at Ft. Hood or something. And come with real money.

4. D-Wade enters the Argument.
I set you up with the Street Fighter reference in the last sentence, and I'm about to go deep into the anime universe. Stay with me for a second. I promise it'll make sense. As long as you don't make me pinkie swear.

Remember Street Fighter II, the Animated Movie? Came out back when Street Fighter was all the rage in the mid 90s? Of course you do. Anyway, Bison (the crime syndicate overlord) is wreaking havoc throughout the entire movie in his plan to brainwash the strongest fighters in the world. In the final fight sequence, he is beating the crap out of Ryu and Ken with his psycho power. However, for no apparent reason, he rips off his chain (source of his power) and shouts at Ryu and Ken, "Come on! I’ll fight you on your level now!" Bad idea jeans.

Of course, he gets waxed by our heroes. The day is saved. God bless his soul.
Low-key, me thinks that's part of the reason why Wade (Ryu) lured Lebron to South Beach rather than the other way around. As Simmons alluded to in his piece this week, Wade wasn't leaving. He needs the cash for his alimony checks. Even though Bosh (Ken) put this formiable alliance in motion, Wade knew that the tag-team wasn't going to get them over the edge. Bosh is great, but he's no superstar. He's not worth max money. He's an All-Star, not a franchise player. He's the Fredo to Wade's Michael.

Wade pulled Lebron into his sphere so that he could usurp the throne. All Lebron (Bison) wanted was respect and allegiance...Wade will give him that. In return, Lebron has given up something far more valuable...his G.O.A.T. birthright. While LeBron waltzes around south Florida like a kid in a candy store, Wade can realistically make a play for the MVP. Plus, he's not the villain.

Check the celebration video. Wade parades around the arena, gets the microphone first, and embraces the cheers for his successful swipe of Bron and Bosh...but the "King" remains silent. He gets the microphone once Wade is done. He gets to talk once Wade is finished talking. The King is being led by the Prince, not the other way around.

Wade owns Miami. Lebron's just paying rent.

5. Lebron has gone from mogul to merecenary.
We'll revisit this point once LBJ's knees give way, but it's worth bringing up for a second. If Miami belongs to Dwayne Wade, where will the King rest his head? Well, he won't. I see Lebron taking the Shaq route -- burning bridges, signing with sub-par teams, trying to relive the good life. He's going to be on so many teams that his HOF plaque is going to look like a Color By Number coloring book.

I'm sorry to be that guy, but it's time to move past. There are HUGE issues we've got to tackle that are bigger than the Lebron crap. Cliff Lee got traded to the Texas Rangers. The cop who wasted Oscar Grant got off with involuntary manslaughter. And BP's still banging that oil drum slowly in the Gulf. In short, we've got bigger fish to fry.

LeBron, we're done with you now. Go away. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

M.B., II


  1. SICK post, as always (applause). And the best part for Kobe was all the free agents went to the East, so not only does he have an easier path to the finals, he'll be playing Lebron after he goes through the guantlet. quickest path to a ring since the Spurs in the lockout year.

  2. Funny entertaining and informative, Win!!

  3. I asked for it and definitely what I needed to hear...Hilarious and on point. The chance of a legacy has been shattered with the move, and even if he wins a ring with the Heat, Wade still the KING. And the number 6, will not be as remembered as the number 23 with Cleveland