Oh yeah, and while you're there...vote for me as your favorite sportswriter. If you do, there's a snow cone in my freezer with your name on it.
Tiger! You heard? Rory McIlroy just won the US Open!
Who?
ROAR-RIE MAC-EL-ROY. You know, the guy that you spooked back in April when you pretended to care about winning the Masters for a second. Just a second. You had me leaping for the TV remote for real. I postponed a date with my Mona Lisa just to see you finish the course. You hadn't played serious golf since "The Accident", but you still had those jokers shook. That South African won the Masters, but I know he changed his pants before the ceremony, you dig?
But yeah, Rory's the kid who folded like a lawn chair. Led for three rounds? Uni-brow? Can't blame you if you didn't notice.
Why should I care?
I don't know. Maybe it's because they keep comparing Rory to you.
Oh, really?
Yep. With the early major win and the talent and the long driver and stuff. Magazines are already setting money aside to write features about this kid - and they don't got no money! NBC had him sit down with their analysts at the Open. Cats were still playing in that DC heat, and this kid was talking to Hicks-y! Johnny said that Rory had "the best stroke he's ever seen"!
Don't sound so nervous. Half the country doesn't even know who - what's his name again? - RORY is.
You right man. I mean, Rory was rockin' a Jumeriah cap and Oakleys. Geez. Last folks I remember wearing Oakleys was those cops from Vegas in that Comedy Central show. And I couldn't even tell you what the heck a Jumeriah is. I'd bet anything those reporters just went onto their Windows 95 computers, dug out old golf articles, and put "Rory McIlroy" everywhere that said "Tiger Woods." Easy money.
See? You're starting to understand already. He may be hot now, but I was mercurial in '97.
You gotta help me remember Tiger. I was only 10 then. My pops told me that you wiped the floor with the kids your age three straight, and then applied for the PGA Tour. My Dad didn't know a golf ball from a donut hole then, but he knew talent. And he swears you've had it since Day 1.
(Laughs) Oh yeah, he must be talking about that segment I did with Bob Hope. Had no idea folks actually watched the damn Mike Douglas show. Your Dad needs a hobby or something.
Hey. Easy on the Dad jokes. At least he doesn't have trouble leaving voice messages.
No comment.
Anyway...my first memories of you were from those two Nike commercials. I have to admit, that first spot was pretty tight - after I got past your ridiculous "Bobby Bowden" hat. And then the second one, with the kids? I gotta give those corporate heads props for that.
It's really not that hard for them. I am Tiger Woods.
Yeah. You've proven yourself over and over again. I remember the Tiger Slam. Even though everybody is propping Rory McIlroy up as your newest rival, it's up to him to prove that he's nothing more than a paper tiger. One major title does not a legend make.
But you've got to come back man. I don't mind defending you, but it's starting to get tough. Can you at least win the Dubai Desert or something to shut these jokers up?
Don't worry. I'm only 35. I've got at least another 10 years in me. I'll be back in no time.
I hear that. And we'd better see that fast. Dust this kid off like you did Sergio Garcia.
But before you go, I got a question for you. I know we black folks love you, but do you love us? All that noise is just you looking out for your brand, right? I saw how you named your boy after ole Charlie Sifford!
(Smiles)...No comment.
M.B, II
